6/3 Friday Friendzone: Social Snafus

Hey! Guess where you are?


That's right!  You're in MY Friendzone!  This week's topic is social snafus and etiquette featuring my friends: Scott, Angrygirl, melonhead, thetotoromonster, and Joses.  Let's see what they had to say about some of the social boo-boos we cannot find nearly enough band-aids for:

1. Which is worse: taking a phone call at dinner OR taking a phone call in the library?

Scott: Who actually studies in libraries anymore?  What kids call "studying" these days means spending half their time checking facebook or reading blogs.  Therefore, if you take a phone call in the library most of the people wouldn't even notice because they're too busy being amused by dailymillings.blogspot.com.  See what I did there?  Also, I like being able to take a phone call at dinner as a way to take a quick break from the exhausting social situation of having dinner with people you're not totally comfortable around.

Angrygirl: Chingchonglinglongtingtong? Setting aside my major issues with that UCLA chick, I agree that phone calls in the library are way worse. At dinner, it's slightly rude but more forgivable, especially if you aren't affecting the dynamic of your dinner companions, or you need to help someone find their way to the dinner, etc. But talking in the library is extremely rude, multiplied by fifty six billion when you are in the quiet zone of the library. Is it REALLY so important to coordinate with your bro on what's going down tonight that you have to broadcast your conversation to everyone who came to this place FOR QUIET? I am left with three choices: suffer in silence, glare and sigh loudly, or confront you in pseudo politeness. Make everyone's life easier and try this fancy new thing called texting. It's silent AND you can communicate!

melonhead: library. libraries are meant to be quiet. at dinner, you can easily excuse yourself for a sec and tell the person on the phone that you'll call 'em back later. or you can do what i do, and jus ignore the call. crappy cell phone reception is always a good excuse.

thetotoromonster: Taking a phone call at dinner, because dinner is quality time spent with others.  When you leave to answer a phone call, you will miss out on hanging out with your dinnermates.  Although the library is quiet, you can just walk elsewhere and you're not really leaving anybody behind.

Joses: Taking a phone call at dinner is worse. But if it's a terribly boring dinner that you want to get out of, take the call!

2. Which is worse: Talking on the phone while peeing OR texting while pooing?

Scott: I always get a sneaky sense of exhilaration from peeing while on the phone and curiously waiting to find out if the person on the other end notices.  They never do.  It's my little secret and no one will ever know!  Next time I call you, it's best to just assume that I'm urinating.

Angrygirl: Phones should not be in the bathroom, ever. I don't really enjoy hearing streams of urine in the background of our conversation, nor do I want to know that poo particles are potentially dancing on your Blackberry buttons. (There's a reason why the magazines being read in the bathroom are left in there-- because it would be gross to bring them outside and let it infect non-poo-contaminated surfaces. Same logic applies to phones). Also, I have a friend who broke her Blackberry by accidentally dropping it in the toilet. It's just not worth the risk. 

melonhead: ooo this is a toughie. texting is gross b/c you're actively touching your phone. which almost makes me say that talking on the phone is better b/c you can use a headset, to keep your phone free of potty-germs, but either way, the phone is in the bathroom ... so the lesser of two evils would be texting (why would you want to let someone hear you tinkling in the background?)

thetotoromonster: Talking while peeing, because other people will hear you wee-wee.

Joses: This is perhaps the only gender-biased question. It's a logistical and technical nightmare for guys to talk on the phone while peeing. Unless 1) you have a Bluetooth hands-free headset, which in this day and age means you're a dork, or 2) girls do pee standing up (now there's another question....). Otherwise, if you're a girl, it's basically the same thing. Just make sure your toilet sounds aren't audible. 

3. Is it okay to pick your nose during prayer in a church service?

Scott: Yes.  What's so bad about wanting to breathe out of your nostrils better?  If anyone sees you, then you can chide them for not being prayerful enough to have kept their eyes closed, or at least have their heads bowed.  I usually feel bad when, in the middle of prayer, I open my eyes and look around the room and notice some dude just blankly staring at the corner of the room, and then when we meet eyes it's like, man, I wanna accuse this guy of being disingenuous but that would be calling the kettle black, wouldn't it?  It's the Catch-22 of prayer slackers.

Angrygirl: No. You should be praying and focusing on talking to God. Picking your nose can wait. Plus, just because no one in church is watching doesn't mean God isn't....

melonhead: is it ever okay to pick your nose? no, not really. unless for some reason blowing your nose simply isn't cutting it (ie: your nose is too crusty), and you're en route to washing your hands immediately after.  and besides, some people (ie: me) sometimes pray w/ their eyes open.

thetotoromonster: I suppose it's all right but not recommended.  Maybe you won't be paying attention if you're picking your nose, and if somebody catches you, he/she might stop paying attention too.  Wait until later?

Joses: If you're Korean, yes. No one will notice in that frenzy of simultaneous non-silent prayer we call Korean Prayer.

4. In the hot summer months, what is the least ACCEPTABLE amount of clothing you should wear in the comforts of your own home?

Scott: I like the feeling of laying spread eagle on my sheets, naked as the day I was born, as a fan softly protects my body from the stifling summer humidity.  I guess the only reason why I wouldn't advocate home nudity is because of tinea cruris.  Look it up.  (Yeah, it'll be another 4 months before I pull another random factoid from my short-lived medical career)

Angrygirl: Doesn't matter how hot it is, what you wear at home should be okay to wear outside. So... shorts and shirt (along with underwear-- that should go without saying). I don't think taking off one thin layer really makes a difference. Just turn on the AC, blast the fan, or stick your head in the freezer.

melonhead: the way i see it is if you're by yourself at home, why not go commando? but like the first rule of nudism, always carry a towel!  personally though, i enjoy the security of feeling clothing against my skin, so i'm an advocate of minimal clothing during the summer at home: guys in shorts (but not the super short kind), and girls in soffes & spaghetti straps.

thetotoromonster: If you're in your home, how much clothing you wear isn't toosocial/public - but more private - so I think this depends on your living situation.  If I were walking around at my house in California (a.k.a. living with other people/my parents), I would at least wear a tank top and shorts, but when I was walking around my Keeney single last summer (a.k.a. living alone), I wore less.  In my apartment, it'll be back to the "living with others" rule.  Important note: it really matters how much other people see you wear.  Close the shades; also, put on clothes if you're answering the door.

Joses: As little as you are willing to be photographed in.

5. Which is the worse first date movie choice: Juno or Passion of the Christ?

Scott: At least with "Juno" you can transition into asking fun, if far-fetched questions that have some informative value--like, "What would you do if you had an unplanned pregnancy?"  "What do you fear most about pregnancy?"  "Is there a stupider term for friend than 'home slice'?"  Try getting a transition like that out of The Passion.  But on the other hand, maybe the girl will think you're SO sensitive and spiritual if she's sees you crying.  That seems to work all the time on Christian girls, they love that "sensitive" emo type.  But when you tear up you gotta make it look artful.  None of that shaky, moany, haphazardly suck-in-the-air theatrics, you need just the right amount of emasculation.

Angrygirl: I haven't watched Passion of the Christ, but I think it might be good to gauge how a potential significant other reacts to intense emotion, how high/low their violence threshold is, and how willing they are to take a risk and watch a movie that is reputed to be very intense. The only thing that makes Juno inappropriate is the teen pregnancy theme but otherwise it's fairly predictable in a off-beat indie kinda way. At least with Passion of the Christ you'll have lots to talk about...?

melonhead: juno. all i remember about it is that some teenager gets knocked up & then falls for some old guy?!  at least if you watch passion of the christ you guys can delve into deep, theological discussions and see if ya'll agree on the importance & validity of the Gospel. and ... he could potentially win her over by telling her how his love for her is like jesus' love for the church, b/c he's willing to lay down his life for her - yknow, by being mocked, beaten, tortured, humiliated, & crucified. or he might just really creep her out & lose any chance w/ her.

thetotoromonster: I haven't seen Passion of the Christ yet.  Actually, Ryan and I were planning to watch it together, so I can let you know how that date goes in comparison to watching Juno.  I don't really like Juno though.

Joses: If you're on a first date with Ellen Page, Juno is the biggest movie choice mistake you'll ever make. You're reminding her of her Oscar nomination for Best Actress, but she lost that prize to Marion Cotillard, her Inception co-star. (Which also eliminates Inception as another first date movie choice for you and Ellen.) An appropriate first date movie for you and Ellen would be Whip It.

If you're taking Monica Belluci out instead, Passion of the Christ is perfect, because a good part of Monica's film career is pretty erotically charged and wholly unsuitable for a first date.  (Although maybe the Passion is too. Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island crew thought so.) Another good first-date choice with Monica would be Astérix & Obélix: Mission Cléopâtre.

If, unlike me, you don't date Hollywood stars, Passion of the Christ is worse. Always go for the humorous movie. 

About the Panelists: Scott Yi is a seminary student and the author of sacredraisincakes.com.  His dream is to go the Special Olympics and boo all the contestants.  Which I guess means his dream is to crush other people's dreams. / Angrygirl is a DC yuppie. / melonhead is a sleep-deprived medical student with a cold, who is still achy from moving into her new apartment and is ecstatic that summer vacation is only one exam & less than 24 hours away. / thetotoromonster is a boring person who likes to take pictures of food, boyfriend, and squirrels. you can read more about her boring life and see more pictures of squirrels at yourveryownsvi.tumblr.com. / Joses Ho is working towards a DPhil in neuroscience. Likes to read his Bible highly caffeinated and slightly intoxicated.

6/2 Thursday Theological Thought

Physical Needs vs Spiritual Needs.  Body vs Soul.  Mercy Ministry vs Evangelism.

Which is more important to God?  Up until recently, I would have probably said that the body doesn't come anywhere close to the importance of the soul.  Don't get me wrong.  I believe that we should help the poor, the widowed, the orphaned, and the disabled, BUT I would have probably told you that doing that without verbally sharing about Christ is NOT what God calls us to do.

But a few months ago I came across this video on Youtube featuring two of the most respected figures in Christianity today, John Piper and Tim Keller.  In this video, they answer this exact question.  While they conclude that the soul is more important than the body, it's not as lopsided of a battle to them as it is to me.

"We exist to relieve all suffering, especially eternal suffering!" -- John Piper 

"We're saying that the eternal is more important than the temporary, NOT that the body is less important than the soul" -- Tim Keller

And so...I'm left wondering if I've gone too far to the side of overvaluing the soul over the body.  For me, stories of people coming to Christ have always made my heart pound with excitement.  But stories of people cured of illness...are just ho-hum ho-hum nm nm to me.  It's not like one occurs much more frequent than the other.  And it's not like one is more difficult than the other...

So why do I struggle to see them on the equal footing?  This is troubling to me because I'm training to care for the physical needs of people...BUT I'd much rather share the Good News of Christ with them.  I sometimes look at strangers on the street and wonder who will share the Gospel with them, but I never look at people to gauge how their physical health will be restored unless I'm assigned to do it.

Because I respect Keller and Piper, I can trust that the body and soul are equally important, but my heart doesn't tell me that....yet.

6/1 Wednesday Weekly

MillStar of the Week: This week's MillCredit goes to recent Brown University graduate Munashe Shumba.  It's surprising to me that I have only known him for about a year and a half because I feel like we've known each other for a lot longer.  Maybe it's because I slept with him the first day I met him.

...get your heads out of the gutter, people.  We were at a Christian conference at the Prudential Center in Boston...where everybody went 2 to a bed. Because Munashe is from Zimbabwe AND Brown has always been home to a lot of celebrity children (including royalty), I wondered that night if Munashe was the prince of Zimbabwe.

When I found out he wasn't, I decided it would be awesome if I made other people think he was royalty.  I started calling him "The Lion King, Mufasa Simba" (a nickname which ultimately shortened to simply "The King")...AND I told people that he had a tattoo on the bottom of his foot with the royal seal of his family (a concept I stole from an episode of Duck Tales).  The best part is...Munashe never denied my claims and played along as if he was really "The King" and it wouldn't surprise me if there are some people out there who still believe him to be an African Prince.  He carries himself well enough to be a prince.  While a prince he is not, I consider him to be a brother...

(...and no, I do not mean to suggest the African-American use of the word"brother" because Munashe is just African and NOT American!)

Congrats again, Moon-moon.  Ladies, he's single.

MillDud of the Week: A MillDud goes to Scottie Pippen, who suggested on Friday that LeBron James might be a better basketball player than Michael Jordan.  While I am not dismissing the possibility that LeBron James could one day become a better basketball player than Jordan, I can't believe Scottie Pippen would say that!  I mean...Pippen was the Robin to Jordan's Batman!  Without Jordan, Pippen probably never wins an NBA Title!

This is a classic case of a girl forgetting the guy who brought her to the dance...Jordan is the one who asked Pippen to the prom...Jordan is the one who posed in the awkward pictures taken by Pippen's parents before the dance...Jordan is the one who bought Pippen's corsage...

For the record: LeBron James < Michael Jordan < Reggie Miller

MillBoard Charts Song of the Week: This week's song of the week goes to the best song I've ever heard about Judas.  No, I'm not awarding Lady Gaga's "Judas", BUT instead, I'm talking about this song I like to call "Judas Sucks."  You see...every Easter weekend, I like to watch this Easter cartoon called "Greatest Heroes & Legends of the Bible: Jesus and the Resurrection."  Prior to Judas's betrayal of Jesus, the child narrator sings stinging lyrics that actually make you feel sort of bad for Judas.  Here's the chorus:

Oh, Judas, what's it all about?
Oh, Judas, you sold Jesus out.
You're a backstabbing, sneaky two-faced crook.
That's how you'll go down in every history book,
Oh, Judas.

Check it out for yourself at this link: "Oh, Judas" aka "Judas Sucks".  Let me know if you felt bad for Judas too...

5/31 Tuesday Milligan

Milligan: When people buy their first exercise machine, it's usually something that simulates running or biking because those activities are particularly helpful for losing weight and staying svelte...but without leaving your house and allowing people see how out of shape you are or how winded you get (plus, you get to watch tv instead of looking trees).

But for me...my first exercise machine came way too early in life.  When I was in early elementary school (first or second grade), I was really into with Tae Kwon Do.  I was collecting stars (ironed-on star badges to put on my uniform) like there was no tomorrow and actually was student of the year at my local Tae Kwon Do academy.

But what exercise machine would allow me to best succeed in Tae Kown Do?

Apparently...I really needed work on my splits.

Yes. THOSE splits.

Essentially you sit down with your legs in stirrups and slowly but surely you pull a lever to increase the angle of your legs until you get to a full 180 degree angle....

Just look at these pictures, reread the previous sentence, and then agree with me that this was probably the most useless piece of exercise equipment ever designed!

I'm not sure how much my parents paid for this thing.  I can't even remember if I was the one who wanted it OR if some sleazy instructor at the Tae Kwon Do academy touted the machine's utility!

All I know is...I could really use a treadmill or elliptical right now.  BUT instead of wowing you with a slender figure...I can only hope to wow you with the flexibility of a high school cheerleader!

Moral of the Story: Never buy a split machine...unless you want to buy mine.

5/30 Memorial Monday MillBox

Happy Memorial Day!   Hope you have something awesome planned for today, but if not...feel free to read this column over and over again!  Let's get to the questions...

Q: What's your favorite tv show, ever? -- annamelon

A: Well, annamelon...this one is tough.  The first shows that pop into my mind would be the T-NBC (the T is for teen?) shows I grew up with on Saturday mornings like Saved by the Bell, California Dreams, and Hang Time.  I would give Saved by the Bell the advantage because it was the original and just had the perfect 6-person cast highlighted by every guy's childhood crush Kelly Kapowski.

Now for some other of my fave tv shows...

Favorite cartoon: 90's Spiderman cartoon on Fox.

Favorite sporty show: anything WWF

Favorite show since Y2K: Now this may be surprising, but I will not say Glee. Glee fizzled out way too quickly and I'm still trying to figure out whether it jumped the shark yet or not.  So...I'm gonna go with Veronica Mars.  Surprised?  Well, you shouldn't be.  After watching a few episodes, I was hooked. And after watching all 3 seasons, I kept on wondering why they didn't get another season.  The writing is really witty yet charming.  Plus, Kristen Bell is prob my fave actress.  If you haven't seen VMars yet, I'd really recommend it.  All the episodes are free at http://www.thewb.com/shows/veronica-mars.  And yes...my name is Cassidy!!!!

Q: Dear Miller, if I continue to dominate the NBA Playoffs by defeating the vaunted Miami Heat, will I finally shed the label of being just another "soft" European player? -- Dirk (Dallas, TX)

A: Guten Tag, Dirk.  Even if you don't beat the Heat, I think you will shed your "soft" label.  I think we should usher in an era in which we recognize how HARD Dirk is.  A lot of things about Dirk are incredibly hard...three things come to mind...

1) It's HARD to guard Dirk Nowitzki.  How do you stop a 7-footer who shoots off-balance jump shots like they are layups?  You CAN'T (....unless you're an 8-footer who blocks off-balance jump shots like they are layups, of course).

2) It's HARD to find a player with a more hilarious method of relaxing while shooting high-pressure free throws.  In the 2006 Playoffs, it was revealed that Dirk's secret to free throws was humming a David Hasselhoff song "Looking For Freedom."  I wonder if he was humming it last week when he broke the record for most consecutive made free throws without a miss in a playoff game.  I hope the 'Hoff gets an footnote in the record books.

3) It's HARD to get involved in a scandal in which your pregnant fiancee is arrested for actually stealing your money while posing as her 8th fake identity.  If you're a legalist calculating at home, that's a case of premarital sex, theft, and fraud all wrapped up into one.  Of course, when this story was reported two years ago...most people focused on how they found her to be really unattractive.  Way to really focus on the important stuff, people.

BTW, I'm picking the Mavs to beat the heat in 5 games.

Q: Where am I? -- Matt Hill (Washington, DC)

A: Wow, Matt.  For a campus minister, you had quite the week in the media spotlight.  Just a few days ago, I read about how the search for you was intensifying because no one had seen you since Tuesday morning.  There was said to be a 99% chance that foul play was involved and people were frantically in search of kidnappers. People opened up a facebook site to collect information of your last known whereabouts and your famous Red Sox pitcher friend Daniel Bard got the word out about your disappearance onto ESPN.com and the Boston Globe website.

I used to have a rule: whenever someone disappears without saying anything, they're pooping.  Well, thanks to Matt Hill, let me amend that: whenever someone disappears without saying anything, they're EITHER pooping OR hiking in the Appalachians while everyone else thinks they've been kidnapped.

Q: How do u escape the friendzone? -- longtime resident of the friendzone

A: This is a brutally difficult question to answer as it probably varies a lot from person to person on how to escape their friendzone.  I would simply recommend starting by asking yourself "why can't they see me as more than just a friend?"  Surely, it's not because you're such a good friend that they don't want to promote you further.  Perhaps, it's as simple as them being interested in someone else and thus not seeing your potential to be more than just a friend.  Or, it could be as puzzling as...they just can't see how you'd be good for them.

So, ask yourself "why can't they see me as more than friends?"  Then, if it's an issue of timing (ie them liking someone else at the moment, or not being ready for a relationship), don't sweat it and move on because you can't really do much to change it.  If it's a matter of you being the wrong person, then maybe you should figure out what's missing.  Maybe they just haven't seen the real you and you should try to seize and opportunity to show that.  OR maybe they do see the real you and you need to grow in some areas of your life first.

Remember, right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.

Q: What? You're not going to forge my name onto another question this week? -- Arnold (Sacramento, CA)

A: Nope.

Please submit questions for next week's MillBox in the comments section below!