Every Friday, I'll be inviting some of my friends to my "Friendzone" to answer some juicy questions on some hot topic (Not limited to dating/relationships, although I'm sure that will be a frequent topic). This week's panelists are: Scott, Angrygirl, Jimmy, Lily, and (Y)MC.
This week’s topic is: Just Friends. How do you become more than just friends? Can you be even be just friends? Let's see what our panelists had to say...
1. How do you know if a guy/girl likes you?
Scott: This is the easiest thing to figure out, and the one that most people seem to ignore all the time. If someone likes you, they'll want to be with you as much as possible. If you want to know if someone likes you, invite them to simple things like getting a coffee or a meal. Then invite them to things that will take more time for them to plan, like running errands together. Finally invite them to things that you know will be a big sacrifice of their time, like getting them to go to a volunteering event you know they have no interest in. If they consistently make time for you, you're in. If they consistently decline, especially on the simple ones, then forget about it.
Angrygirl: When a guy shows more attention, does nice/sweet things for you, remembers things you've said and acts upon them.. and he only does this with you. That is, his treatment is markedly different from how he treats other girls.
Guys can tell whether their feelings are reciprocated by the response to this stuff. Smiles, genuine hearty laughter, playing along are all positive indications. Tight forced smiles, nervous laughter, conversation killers are signs you should back off. It's really all about the tone and HOW things are being said as opposed to WHAT is being said. "Thanks!" with a smile and a rise in tone is good. "Thanks...." or a curt "Thanks." with a forced smile is probably not good.
Jimmy: Is it bad that I don't think I can answer this question? It's been a few years...
Lily: Me? Personally? If he says so. I'm not so good at the non-verbal communication. Maybe also if he likes talking to me a lot, or if he treats me differently than other girls. A guy knows I like him if I try to create situations where we can hang out one on one, if I make up an excuse to call him, if I try to get all his online chat info (IM, gchat, Skype). However, I've done this at some point with guys who are just friends, only much more rarely. I personally try to make sure the guy doesn't like me though, before doing all that. Sorry guys, you'll never know until you ask. I'm glad I'm not a guy, because it sounds really scary! But in my opinion that's just the way it usually is in Christian circles.
(Y)MC: The most telling sign of a guy's interest in you is if he keeps popping up in your life without having been invited. He'll show up at social gatherings, meetings that he doesn't actually care about, your neighborhood, or even the public bathroom just to create opportunities to be near/with you. As for indication of a girl's interest in you... they never say it explicitly. It's helpful if you are at least quasi-fluent in a foreign language or ASL, as these skills should enable you to better interpret confusing female signals.
2. If a guy likes a girl, what should he do to get her attention? What if the roles are reversed, what should she do to get his attention?
Scott: This is the most gender-biased problem to solve. Guys should NEVER be nice to a girl whose attention they want, but girls should ALWAYS be nice to a guy whose attention they want. Basically, girls are used to being treated well ever since they were little, while the opposite is true of guys. Girls expect to be treated nicely, it's par for the course in a post-feminist society. You're not gonna stick out. Being cocky, or mysterious, or a badass, is gonna make you stick out. On the other hand, make a dude a sandwich and he's putty in your hands.
Angrygirl: The gestures that stand out in my mind are those that showed the guy was really listening and had a sense of humor to know how to play off his knowledge of me. For instance I mentioned one time to a guy that I had just been to CVS and they didn't have the flavor of Dentyne Ice I wanted. A few days later a package came in the mail with a candy company return address, and inside I found packs and packs of Dentyne Ice spearmint. Another time I playfully argued with a guy over the merits of curry (he didn't think curry was good.. what a weirdo) and he decided to take me to a curry restaurant on our first date to "settle the debate." Stuff like this is definitely not platonic and clearly signals interest. Disclaimer: I think it really depends on the person. What draws my attention wouldn't necessarily be the same for someone else.
What does a girl need to do? Not much... because guys seem to be perpetually on the prowl for a girl. I actually think guys might be turned off by girls actively trying to be noticed and that instead, it's the girl who's being herself that eventually draws the interest of the guys who are scoping the field..
Jimmy: Give her attention. Show an interest in who she is and what she likes. However, do so in a way that is different from your interactions with other female friends. Or, just be bold and forthcoming right off the bat.
Lily: One good conversation trick that I try to use is stopping at the peak. Lots of people, if they really like another person, will talk all the way through the conversation, setting, rising action, climax, falling action, denouement (it's like a story!). They talk all the way until the conversation has completely petered out and has become boring. Instead, it's better to stop at a high point, even though it's SO tempting to keep talking right then. Why? Because you'll end the conversation on a high note, leave the person with the impression that you're both interesting and busy with more than just them (which is also very attractive), and you'll leave them wanting to see you again.
(Y)MC: Depends. Obviously, in order to succeed, you'll first have to figure out what she likes and dislikes, and then you would tailor your strategery to maximize exposure and create a high rate of return for your time, finances, and emotional investment. For a girl to get a guy's attention, typically skimping on the clothing or developing a "loose" reputation will effectively help a girl garner attention from the opposite sex (including attention from currently registered and future soon-to-be registered sex offenders).
3. How do you know if you're on a date?
Scott: I stick to the position that says there are "friend dates" and "date-dates." Friend dates can be intentional, like taking someone out to coffee that you just met at church, or unintentional, like holding an impromptu late night study session. Date-dates must be intentional, in that both parties recognize romantic potential is involved, with initiative and planning necessarily required. Single young adult men are great at friend dates, but unfortunately on date-dates a lot us tend to suffer from performance anxiety.
Angrygirl: In an ideal world, guys would ask girls out and then say something really obvious, like "alright, it's a date." But for various reasons this doesn't happen and then girls usually realize ON the date that the guy considers it a date. If both parties are single, and the guy is opening doors and paying for everything and takes to you a very nice steak restaurant where there are linen napkins and sides come separate... yeah that's a date. Also unusual behavior can also be a sign-- dressing nicer than usual, being flirty, yadada.
Honestly to me it seems so TIRING to try and decipher whether or not something is a date so I would take the direct approach and ask, "is this a date?" You will get one of two responses: "No" = not a date. "Ummmm" = he was hoping it was but now that you ask he has no idea what to say.
Both approaches (deciphering or asking straight out) have high possibilities for awkwardness so I say just ask straight out.
Jimmy: If I ask her on a date. Men/boys: it only counts if you ASK her out. Don't be a wuss and hope for coincidental 1v1 hangouts.
Lily: Easiest/best way: the person who asks the other person out says that it's a date. Usually in dating relationships, the simplest way is the best way. There are 'signs' that can show me I've been asked on a date, like a nice restaurant where the guy pays and/or just the two of us going somewhere special, but it's nice not to have to agonize over 'the signs.'
(Y)MC: You're most likely going to be on a date if one of you had mentioned the word "date" before getting together. Also, if you hold hands, kiss, or participate in activities of further physical intimacy, you're probably even more likely to be on a date. As a rule of thumb, I always, always, always kiss on the first date.
4. Can guys and girls just be friends?
Scott: Yes, if the guy thinks the girl is unattractive. Only temporarily, if he thinks the girl is attractive but she has a boyfriend. Girls will be miffed by this assertion, but it's true. This is why girls have "zones" and guys have "ladders." To a guy, every non-ugly female friend can potentially be something more, and even ones which they didn't initially consider attractive can become attractive. The lines between "liking" and "loving" are blurred in the male brain. This is not true for girls. A friend is a friend, a lover is a lover, and never the twain shall meet!!
Angrygirl: Until a few months ago I thought this was yes. Then my boyfriend named three people in the last couple of years who were romantically interested in me when, at the time, I thought it was very clear to all parties that I was just buddies with the guy. I think girls have a tendency to think it's possible to have a perfectly platonic relationship with a guy, but from my experience it seems like guys can easily jump from "just a friend" to "want to date."
Jimmy: Yes. I do think that there can be a relationship that's purely friendship.(Meaning that there can exist a relationship where neither party will want anything more than friendship). However, I think every friendship has moments when one person (or both) at least considers the possibilty of more than a friendship.
Lily: Sort of. You have to be honest with your motives in this area. I've known a lot of people (myself included) who tried to make themselves believe they were just being friends with someone when they actually liked that person. I've also seen this scenario. Person A says they just want to be friends with Person B. B likes A, and A doesn't like B (in that way) at all. But for some reason, A INSISTS that they have to be close friends with B, even though it's driving B crazy. Please, A, leave poor B alone. You don't have to be friends with them. (I see girls do this a lot, but I've seen guys do it too.) If you want to keep a person of the opposite gender just as a friend, then one way to assure this is to have a few friends of your own gender to confide in.
(Y)MC: Guys and girls can be friends once they finish middle school/junior high school. But sometimes you can run into really sticky situations, like what the girls from Sugar Jones are talking about in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeHl8bEhHsw.
5. Can guys and girls be friends again after they’ve dated or almost dated?
Scott: The person who answers "yes" to this question is the one who initiated the breakup, because they're ignorant and self-centered. You can only be friends with somebody if you want to be friends. The person who wanted to break up obviously wants the relationship downgraded to a friendship, so they'll ALWAYS say yes. The one whose heart is broken doesn't want just a friendship, he or she wanted something more. If this person says "yes" it's only because: a). they're used to being walked over by people and won't stick up for themselves, b). they hold out hope for the future, sadly, or c). their heart wasn't really broken, like they were secretly hoping to get out too or their mom didn't approve of the girl because she had a fat face.
Angrygirl: Yes, BUT there needs to be time and emotional distance first. Or as my wise crazy mom said, "Just avoid him." Sounds extreme, but I'm grateful I took her advice because I've seen so many friends go through break up, followed by "let's be friends" to take the burn off breaking up, followed by ambiguity with the dumpee experiencing confusion and the dumper experiencing obliviousness or guilt, followed by a second, real break up where the dumpee realizes the hope they had for restoring the relationship was actually all in their head and the dumper totally didn't mean to do that, "I thought we were just friends." If you want to be friends in the future there has to be no hope for becoming more-than-friends, which usually requires a (hopefully temporary) stop in communication. Think of it like an eyebrow tweeze-- quick, initially painful, but infinitely better in the end.
Also the guy my mom told me to leave alone? Didn't talk to him until 3 years later when school scheduling put us back into contact and he is now one of my closest guy friends. And because we've had that history there's more confidence on both sides that we are in fact, just friends.
Jimmy: Yes, I believe they can, but I think past events like that can potentially stifle that relationship from developing into a strong friendship. It can be harder to get close to someone (purly as a friend) after a dating relationship.
Lily: Imo, not usually. If the liking was mutual, then it's impossible for me at least to become friends with the person again. Maybe cordial acquaintances, but even being within the same friend GROUP would be difficult. Even if the breakup was amicable. That said, I know there are some people who can go back to being friends again much easier than I can. So it's a case by case basis. Note: if only one of the two finds it difficult to go back to being friends, the other one should be sensitive to that. On the other hand, if the linking was one-sided and that person talked to the other and realized the other didn't feel the same way, I think it's easier to go back to being friends. As long as the liked person doesn't take advantage of the liker's emotions.
(Y)MC: Theoretically possible, but there's going to be some inevitable awkwardness. In my personal life, I haven't talked to ex's since those relationships ended years ago. Save the drama for their mama...?!
About the Panelists:
Scott Yi is a student at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary and a campus minister at Brown University. He is single, poor, and short, so he doesn't have much going for him. You can read more of his thoughts at www.sacredraisincakes.com. / Angrygirl is a DC yuppie. / Jimmy is an educator of forest-dwelling high school boys. / Lily is an INTJ (Myers Briggs), and since most INTJs are guys, her advice might be unusual. She’s read a lot of good Christian literature on dating (and some not so good, like the dreaded Henry Cloud). She’s been in two relationships, both long-distance. / (Y)MC is a son, brother, and husband. During his spare time, he enjoys long walks on the beach, authentic Taiwanese food, and streaming movies online. He believes almost all heterosexual inter-racial relationships are severely skewed, favor the white man, and consequently further disenfranchise the Asian male demographic group. As such, he has embarked on a personal mission to restore the balance in the world of inter-racial love-making.
