7/29 Friday Friendzone: End-of-Life Edition

This week's topic is a bit morbid, but incredibly thought-provoking.  It was so intriguing that I have invite 8 of my friends into my friendzone this week AND...for the first time ever, I will also include my answers to the questions!  So without further ado, here we go:


1. What age would you like to live until? Why?
Scottyi: Until tomorrow. Jk, but only slightly. I think the only wish I have concerning the timing of my death is that I'd like it to be after my parents pass away. I think losing your child has to be the worst kind of suffering. Other than that... whatevs. I'm a believer in Philippians 1:23. Miller, if it does happen soon, you can have my rice cooker.
Lily: 90 or so.  But I want to be one of the 'young old,' not the 'old old.'  Those are actual terms in development psychology classes!
Georgea: If I had to choose...If I have kids, I'd rather die older - at least old enough to see grandkids 'cause it'll be fun to see how two generations down are.  If not, no preference - whenever my work is done.
thetotoromonster: old enough so that it's not "a pity" that i died (at least 50-60?). my parents invested so many resources into me while i was growing up; now, i want to make the most of their investment and die after i have done something useful in my life!!
Joses: 64. That means I will die in the year 2046. Which happens to be a good film.
Annamelon: 91.  I actually don't wanna live that long, but I feel like I'm limiting my potential if I were to say I wanna die in my 80s, although I really think 87 sounds like a good age.  But really, I think it'd be fun to know my great-grandkiddos :)
Jimmy: 90s.  I want to be active throughout my life, so I can still be able to contribute to people mentally and emotionally in my final years. Also, It would be cool to hang out with my Great-Grandchildren.  Plus, I would totally love to play "old guy" a lot (pretend to forget things, wander into places and act confused.  Who said old age isn't fun?).
Angrygirl: What a morbid question. Honestly, I'm still getting over turning 23, which seems pretty old.
Miller: 75. It gives me enough time to probably see at least one grandchild even if my granddaughter or grandson's wife chooses to be a career woman.  Not sure if senior discounts kick in at 65 or 70, but 5-10 years of doing things cheaply sounds good enough.

2. What would be your preferred cause of death? Why?
Scottyi: Mortally wounded while rescuing sex slaves from a unit of fully armed traffickers, with enough evidence gathered after my demise to eventually lead to the toppling of a trafficking empire.
Lily: I wish to die in battle.  For honor!
Georgea: Not anything sudden (like a heart attack, car crash, murder etc.); something my family could come to terms with gradually?  But it's not up to me, right?
thetotoromonster: in my sleep because it sounds peaceful. unfortunately, it's not so peaceful for the people who find me!!! >:D wow, especially if i live alone and it takes a few days to find my rotting body. gross.
Joses: Gunshot to the hippocampus. Death is instant and painless. Since that would mean that someone will have to commit murder, or that I will have to commit suicide, I'll settle for dying in my sleep.
Annamelon: Saving a small child from an oncoming bus.  Useful & instantaneous.
Jimmy: Ideally...I'm single (not my whole life) and decently fit when the end comes.  I would get some sort of disease that wouldn't be treatable.  I'd hitch a ride out to the rockies, and just head into the mountains and wander until it's my time.
Angrygirl: Isn't everybody just going to say "in my sleep, because it's painless"? A small part of me wonders if I'd want to die in a meaningful way (i.e., somehow bring attention to Christianity) but a larger part of me fears what that could look like.
Miller: Executed for being a Christian....but honestly, I'm holding out for the rapture....so I'd like my obituary to say I "mysteriously vanished" and my clothing fell into a nice neat pile.

3. If money were no object, what would you want your last meal to be?
Scottyi: When I was a kid, there were a couple pharmacies that used to sell these pieces of gum shaped like bright rocks. They were packed in miniature milk cartons, and you'd open the cartons and shake the gum into your mouth. I once went online to try to find what the candy was called, but I never could. It'd be nice to have that again. Also, a dozen carnival elephant ears.
Lily: Some famous person was once asked what he would do if he knew it was his last day on earth.  He said I would work in my garden.  I think I'd do the same; therefore, I want my last meal to be a salad.
Georgea: The real mama kim's (my mama) cooking.  Something that involves kimchi.
thetotoromonster: well, then... this would be really strange because it would mean that i would be able to anticipate the hour of my death, like Jesus (who could also anticipate his resurrection - what foresight!)!  i don't know.  i think this question doesn't make sense in my head because i'm not Christ-like enough in the area of foresight-of-hour-of-death.
Joses: 10 course Chinese wedding dinner.
Annamelon: Appetizer of fried calamari.  Main entree(s) would consist of pad thai w/ extra peanuts, legit Mexican tacos al pastor, sushi (maybe some spider rolls or dragon rolls), and eggplant parmesan.  Dessert would start with tiramisu cheesecake and end with some juicy, plump red mangoes.  Oh, and this would all be accompanied by some mango mojitos b/c I love alcoholic drinks that taste like fruity toothpaste.
Jimmy: Seafood feast.  Since my fish allergy has progressed over time, I haven't eaten seafood in 11 years.  Lobster, Crab Cakes, peel-and-eat Shrimp, Clam Chowder.  YES.
Angrygirl: I guess I'd want to eat things I grew up with-- a bowl of white rice, my mom's tomato ox-tail soup, bowl of nikujaga (Japanese dish w/ carrots, potatoes, and beef), and a bowl of fruit (specifically raspberries, blackberries, mangoes, nectarines, pineapples, and watermelon). Drink would be some unsweetened iced tea.
Miller: I'm gonna hafta say Brazilian BBQ in Mainland China...to ensure that it would have Peking Duck and meats that white men do not touch.

4. Assuming that you're married, would you rather outlive your spouse or your spouse outlive you? 
Scottyi: My wife should definitely be the first to go. I'd be strong enough and courageous enough to make peace with my loss in the twilight of my years, but for my lover, she'd be so incredibly distraught at my passing that she'd lose the will to live, unable to cease from her grieving and instead becoming a real life Miss Havisham. (One of the few literary references I know you know, Miller)
Lily: I guess I'd rather my spouse outlived me... but that would be difficult since I'm very healthy and probably going to live for so long.
Georgea: Depends.  If I die young, be outlived; if I die old, outlive.
thetotoromonster: i would rather outlive my spouse so i can be bear the burden of grieving and so i can take care of him until the very end.  also, i love telling stories! if i outlive my spouse, he can count on his remembrance via my story-telling abilities!
Joses: Outlive me? I thought my wife gets interred with me in my pyramid, along with my children, cats, and those who read this blog.
Annamelon: Selfishly, I would want my spouse to outlive me.  I'm pretty needy and probably wouldn't know how to get by without him.
Jimmy: Outlive my spouse.  I would rather I go through the pain of that loss instead of her.
Angrygirl: If I'm being selfish, I would want my spouse to outlive me. HOWEVER, if my spouse is someone who seems really helpless on his own (e.g., can't take care of finances, can't cook for beans, can't take loneliness) then.. it might be comforting to outlive him if only because I'd know he didn't die in pathetic circumstances. If I felt lonely I could go buy a dog/cat, or bother my kids/grandkids, and in general be a sassy old person who doesn't take attitude from anybody.
Miller: Hmmm...I think if I outlived my wife, I'd be a wreck and be totally nonfunctional for at least a year.  So, while I wish I could say the opposite, I'd rather my wife outlive me.  Plus, I absolutely cannot stand eating alone.  It drives me crazy, I just can't eat.

5. What do you want on your tombstone (not pizza)?
Scottyi: I want to be cremated, and while everyone is enjoying the truffle carpaccio hor d'oeurvres at my wake, a video will play of me posthumously telling everyone that they've been punked, as there's nothing in the urn since my ashes were mixed into the truffle sauce. If I had to have a tombstone for the purposes of this question, I'd want my tombstone to be a marble statue of an astronaut wrestling a giant space squid, and underneath it says, "Here lies Scottyi, Hero of the 2nd Moon Monster Wars."
Lily: Definitely T. S. Eliot.  The greatest writer of our age.

We shall not cease from explorationAnd the end of all our exploringWill be to arrive where we startedAnd know the place for the first time.A condition of complete simplicity(Costing not less than everything)And all shall be well andAll manner of thing shall be wellWhen the tongues of flame are in-foldedInto the crowned knot of fireAnd the fire and the rose are one.

Georgea:  I don't know if I want to be buried.  Cremation?
thetotoromonster: i want it to be prominent so that my descendants will never forget where i'm buried!! i never knew how my mom remembered where my great-aunt was buried.  i haven't really thought far enough to decide what's on my tombstone.  i'll probably pull a J.K. Rowling and have a well-chosen Bible verse.  kinda makes me sad to think about it, but now it's on my to-do list (just in case).
Joses: My sarcophagus in my pyramid should have hieroglyphics around it depicting my various achievements, like when I completed Sonic the Hedgehog II.
Annamelon: I haven't decided if I want a tombstone.  I would like to be cremated and spend as little money on my funeral as possible, since really, it seems like it'd make more sense to spend money on other people who are still living.  But I guess a small tombstone would be nice so that loved ones could visit it?  If I actually did have a tombstone, maybe something to the effect of "Beloved child of God"
Jimmy: "Loving Son, Brother, Husband, Father, and Friend.  Loved by God." or "He lived, he loved, he dominated."
Angrygirl: I haven't done anything amazing (yet?) to warrant a shoutout on my tombstone. I guess I'd want to highlight my family and that I was (hopefully) a faithful believer. On my Tombstone brand pizza I would like pepperoni, mushrooms, and peppers, please.
Miller: "Shared the Gos-pel like it was Gos-sip"....okay maybe not that.  I prefer something like "Miller passionately believed that there was nothing more important in life than to follow God and help others follow God."

It's a good thing I probably won't be remembered most for blogging, otherwise my tombstone might read: "Miller outlived 50 different blogs that he could only maintain for a few weeks at a time.  His greatest blog, the Daily Millings, died on 7/29/2011 after a great two month run."  Yes, that last line is for real.  The Daily Millings are now dead.  All donations should be made out to the Mormon YouTube Channel and ChristianMingle.com.  Feel free to give a eulogy in the comments section below.

About the Panelists: If you strike Scottyi down, he shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. His website is www.sacredraisincakes.com. / Lily is an INTJ who prefers the library to every other building on campus.  She likes puzzles, classical music, and chess.  Her favorite thing to do online is stalk people on facebook and fill out her google calendar. / Georgea is a student at Brown. / thetotoromonster - is she prepared for heaven and death? we'll let God decide. *dun dun dun* / Joses turns 27 very soon. He tweets at www.twitter.com/jacuzzijo. / Annamelon wants her funeral to be a big party where everyone wears bright colors, eats great food, laughs gregariously, and celebrates how awesome Jesus is, because she's gonna be upstairs kickin' it with the Big Guy. / Jimmy believes in life after love, and love after life. (and is still on his road trip) / Angrygirl laments the death of Daily Millings. / Miller totally thought this would be the most clever way to announce the death of the Daily Millings.  He would like to thank all his loyal readers for their support 2 months out of every 3 years!!!

Tombstone of the Daily Millings: "Some say life is a marathon...BUT a sprint is almost always more entertaining."

7/1 Friday Friendzone: Travel Edition

1. What is your favorite city in the world? Why?
Jimmy: Mexico City.  I haven't travelled much internationally, and Mexico City might not be the  most exciting, but it is HUGE and I feel like you could live there for years and still find new aspects of it all the time.  There's also a lot of history in the city (history nerd).
Angrygirl: Hard to decide, but I'm gonna have to go with Los Angeles, California. Sure it has issues-- crazy ridiculous traffic, crazy ridiculous income disparity (USC in Compton, anyone?). But there's so much more going for it... legit Asian and Mexican food, access to beaches, great weather so you can wear flip flops 350 days of the year (15 off because it sometimes rains)... also LA remains the only city where meeting people doesn't require dealing with their comments on my "really good" English (being born in the US does that to you). 
Joses: This is a tough one. I resonate well with San Francisco's climate and vibe. Mexico City has some of the best tacos I've ever had, and some of the friendliest people I've ever met. I went to college in Providence, and so I have fond memories of that city. NYC never sleeps, and there's always some new bar, bookstore, or coffeeshop round the corner to check out. I like London for her free museums and her pubs. Beneath and beyond the red-light districts and "coffeeshops", Amsterdam is picturesque and rich in history. But I'd have to go with Singapore. I grew up there, I know her better than any city I've been to, and she has the best food, period.
thetotoromonster: Da Lat, Vietnam.  Honestly, I haven't traveled much around Asia (small sample size) but here's what I like about it: Tons and tons of flowers everywhere <3, Lots of waterfalls and pretty things, Great produce and smoothies, Cheap, delicious food, Relatively safe for Asia, Relatively good weather for Asia (neither [too] humid nor hot; rainy during monsoon season), Get to ride a ton of motorbikes, Many university students learn English though they may be shy (yeah, I'm an ethnocentric American.), Cheap shopping, though you may need to look a little more than in Ho Chi Minh City/Saigon
(Y)MC: Taichung, Taiwan and Venice, Italy are probably two of my most favorite cities in the world. I was born in Taichung and have a lot of great memories growing up there-- riding on mopeds, eating pig ears/feet/intestines, bringing stray dogs home, burning paper money, etc. And Venice was just such a magical place; there's really nowhere else that's really like it (yes, sometimes I do choose to reveal my softer side).


2. What is the one place you haven't been to that you have been dying to visit?
Jimmy: Australia. Very cool culture (from what I've heard) and some really cool travel options and outdoors activities.  And Wombats.  What's not to love about wombats? There's an outside chance I'll be heading there in 2012.
Angrygirl: These questions make me realize that I haven't traveled much. I would love to visit Brazil, because I've never been to South America and I know that Brazil has a sizable Japanese population so that would be interesting to see. Hopefully I would not run into any drug war violence while there...
Joses: Anywhere inside of the Arctic Circle. Northern lights and Santa Claus and reindeer and Nobel Prizes and all that. 
thetotoromonster: 3-way tie: Malta (just heard it from someone and sounds like a good idea), Alaska (in the summer and before it melts), New Zealand (Lord of the Rings tour, probably spend a week in Asia, cool fruits, and nice landscape!)
(Y)MC: I hear the islands off of the coast of Spain are really nice...Menorca, I think? I'd also like to go check out Maldives sooner rather than later... I'm on a plan to stay at a Four Seasons Hotel/Resort at least once a year (2 for 2 so far since getting married). But on most days, I merely wish that flights to Taiwan wouldn't be so lengthy and expensive. I'd love to go back to see my family and to put on some weight/muscle mass.


3. What is the weirdest local delicacy you've eaten while traveling?
Jimmy: Cow tongue tacos.  Not the most exciting, I guess. Still, cow tongue.  After watching a lot of "Bizarre Foods", I don't consider anything I've eaten to be weird.
Angrygirl: Probably the buffalo I ate in Montana when visiting Yellowstone National Park. I can't actually remember if it was buffalo but it was pretty weird.
Joses: Whale meat in Reyjavik, Iceland. It tasted like fishy beef and wasn't all that appetising, or politically correct.
thetotoromonster: I don't think I eat anything too strange abroad out of fear for sanitation.  Maybe escargot in France.  I've eaten durian; Scott thinks that durian is a local delicacy, but it's just a normal thing to me.
(Y)MC: Not counting my food allergies, I think I'm open to trying most foods once. But I think snake soup and legs of frogs and rabbits are a bit too much for me. Those Taiwanese people... they're intense.


4. What is your most embarrassing travel story?
Jimmy: The 5-star log splash.  It involves a 5-star hotel, a clogged toilet, a toothbrush, a trash can, and a balcony.  That's all you need to know. 
Angrygirl: When I was 8, my family and I visited my grandparents in Japan. After dinner my jet lag kicked in and I got really sleepy. My grandparents had a Japanese style dining table (low to the ground, people eat by kneeling on floor pillows), so I just lay on the floor near my parents and fell asleep. The next thing I remember is waking up a few hours later and realizing that my pants and the sitting pillow were wet... with horror I realized that I had peed in my pants, something that is only acceptable when you are under 3 years old. I was also mortified that it happened in front of my grandparents who hadn't seen me in a while-- here was my chance to prove that I wasn't a kid anymore and now I looked like I was some incontinent underdeveloped baby! And I didn't know how to say "this is an unrepresentative freak accident!" in Japanese... Luckily my grandparents were cool about it. But I ended up having to change into the only kid-size pants available-- my dad's old elementary school uniform pants. I remember thinking on the way back to the hotel that the whole night was extremely bizarre.
Joses: Usually when I mention I spent 2 years in the Singapore Armed Forces, people are interested, and it becomes a conversation topic. Not this one time in New Orleans, when I casually brought it up while talking to someone who happened to be a Gulf War vet. He got really mad at me and retorted, "Have you ever been shot at, son?" I don't know how I wriggled out of that conversation, but I'm glad I did.
thetotoromonster: I don't know.  I think I'm a pretty low key traveler, so I've avoided most embarrasment.  My brother had a parasite once and he was pooping everywhere!!  What else... This Italian grandpa was saying something to me when I was in Europe.  I tried talking to an Italian grandpa in Spanish hoping that it would be similar enough.  Nope, not close.  I also got a little seasick when I went on the scuba-diving boat, when I was in Thailand.  It wasn't as bad as my brother or sister though...
(Y)MC: I had a pretty severe food allergy while traveling to Chile. A doctor who was on the same flight managed to find something and gave me a shot... right in my butt cheek... while I was carefully attended to and surrounded by 5-8 pretty good looking Chilean/South America flight attendants (think Jennifer Lopez, Eva Mendes, Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria, Sofia Vergara, Shakira types). Despite the shame, I did get a [sympathy] kiss from one of them when I deplaned. 
(NOTE: This happened WAY BEFORE I got married.)


5) If you were a fugitive, where would you hide? (assume the police know your answer to question #1, #2, and every place you ever lived)
Jimmy: Canadian Rockies.  I'd build a log house and live off the land (using a bow and arrow to catch game.  Less noise, reusable ammo).  So much space, so little people to patrol it.  Also, bears.
Angrygirl: Easy-- China. In my experience, non-Asians have a hard time telling Asian girls apart, so the massive population of China would provide useful camouflage. I could make a living by playing up my Ivy League credentials and working as a SAT teacher/US college admissions consultant (admittedly this would be a lot easier if I went to Harvard). Christian bonus: this would also give me opportunities to share the Gospel in a place where the Gospel doesn't get a lot of exposure. And let's say the US government did find me... it's more likely that US-China relations will be tense and therefore the Chinese government might want to use my return as a sort of bargaining chip, delaying any extradition process. And even if I do eventually get returned to the US, I can sell my unparalleled experience in China and background in international relations to work for the State Department instead of doing time. The only downside of this prospect? Dealing with communism and figuring out how to get to Hong Kong for good healthcare.
Joses: In my (twin) brother's house.
thetotoromonster: I'll probably country hop through Southeast Asia.  In each country I went to, they thought I was a local until I opened my mouth.  But in all seriousness, it'll probably have to be in somewhere like Thailand, or I have to cross the border from Singapore to Malaysia, or maybe even go to some no-name island in Indonesia or the Philippines.  Vietnam and Singapore's governments keep tabs on their citizens too well for me to hide there.
(Y)MC: I would hide in Miller's closet, probably. And then I would ask him to join me in the closet, only so that we can come out of it together and make a big announcement.


About the Panelists: Jimmy just drove 5,000+ miles around the U.S. in attempt to earn a very elusive 2nd millstar. / Angrygirl is ready for vacation. / Joses lives in Oxford, UK.  He often wishes, instead of travelling through space, he could also travel through time. / thetotoromonster gets eaten alive by mosquitoes in the Caribbean, gets eaten alive by mosquitoes in SE Asia, and hasn't gone anywhere else that has mosquitoes for these reasons.  She also loves eating tropical fruits, like dragon fruit, custard apple, rambutan, starfruit, etc. / (Y)MC was born on an island and has been to every continent in the world. He is allergic to shellfish, kiwi, pollen, and dust. He strongly dislikes it when people jump on beds in his room-- because that stirs up A TON of dust. Y(MC)'s favorite in-flight movies include: A Walk To Remember, Dear John/Juan, Chasing Liberty, Meet Joe Black, and How To Train Your Dragon. Finally, his favorite worship guitar chords are Em and Am.

6/10 Friday Friendzone: Battle of the Sexes (Part 1)

Welcome back to my friendzone...where escape is nearly impossible!


This week we begin a 2-part series called Battle of the Sexes with an all-male panel responding to questions about the female kind...and next week we'll hear what females have to say about the guys!  Man...I can just feel the testosterone already....

1. What is your understanding of PMS?

Scott: It's one of those things that really separates the female condition from the male experience--hormonal chaos in a monthly ritual of biological entrapment.  I will never understand what it feels like to have an egg pass through my body and be sucked into a tampon in one bloody reminder of reproductive potentiality.  So on the one hand, I do sympathize with women for the burden their bodies place on them.  But on the other hand, I think there's few things in life more annoying and useless than trying to reason with a female in the middle of a mood swing.

Joses: PMS stands for Perpetual Menstrual Syndrome, contrary to a widespread and erroneous belief that the 'P' stands for 'pre'. In essence it refers to the state of being where one's emotions contradict facial expression, and where every word uttered is fraught with double meanings and hidden agendas. Note that this afflicts members of either gender.

(Y)MC: I think that's basically just like a few days of ridiculous hysteria and massive emotional instability that precedes the shedding of uterine lining in women. This occurs on a monthly basis and is typically synchronized to the waning and waxing of the moon. But to be honest, I don't really know. My wife can definitely more accurate and professional insights into this subject matter.

Jimmy: There is an imbalance of hormones because she was waiting to find out whether or not the stork was going to come visit later.  She finds out that the stork isn't coming to visit, and the extra hormones she had for the potential stork visit screws her up. Or some lame excuse like that, anyway.

Rob: Psychotic Mood Swings. Shortly followed by Potential Murder Suspect.

2. Is it true that girls are more mature than guys?

Scott: You know how girls peak at their early twenties, but guys can reach their peak much later in life?  For example, 40s Brad Pitt and George Clooney are way more dashing than their younger versions.  You know why that is?  It's physiologic irony due to the arrogance girls have in thinking they're more mature than guys: because they think they're so mature, girls' bodies age faster and their looks accordingly degrade at a rate directly proportional to their pretentiousness.

Joses: No. Although guys tend to be cheesier, a sign of the prolonged adolescence of our time. The real question is, whose cheesiness is more mature? That depends primarily what temperature you leave your cheesiness in.

(Y)MC: Assuming that age(male) = age(female), I suppose it is generally accepted that maturity(female) > maturity(male). But I'd like to emphasize an important point: maturity isn't necessarily a desirable characteristic (especially if your target audience is really, really young). Immaturity is the new sexiness, no?

Jimmy: I'm going to hear from this because of my occasional behavioral choices, but I think NO, girls are not more mature than guys.  I think that the society defines maturity as acting mature, or, more often, not acting immature.  I define maturity by the ability to react to any given situation (especially a difficult/adverse situation).  In my experience, at the same age group, guys are much better at dealing with tough situations than girls.  Sorry ladies (or maybe I've just hung out with extra manly men in my life.)  

Rob: Immaturity can present itself in many ways, but what grabs our attention is the loud & obnoxious kind. There could be just as many immature girls, they're just not as easy to spot. What is certain is this: a person's maturity doesn't necessarily increase with age.

3. Is it okay for a girl to "wear the pants" in the relationship?

Scott: It's ok for girls to offer solutions and best practices, what the guy should do is know when to defer to the knowledge of his female partner and when to trust his own decisions.  I think that's what male leadership should mean--humility to follow the counsel of others when appropriate.  Also, I know that some girls like to wear pants to show off their butts because they're superficial like that, but skirts are way cuter.  I love those T-Mobile 4G commercials with the girl in the pink dresses... she's adorable!!!  

Joses: In a relationship, you've gotta give her a reason to wear the dress. Like it was worn by Kate Middleton, or if it was designed by Vera Wang. Or like, she just looks great wearing that dress (That line usually works).

Although, if you're a male slave of the Amazons, you don't really have a choice. Just suck it up like a man, bro.

(Y)MC: Yes, I think it's okay for a girl to "wear the pants," but I try to make sure that I wear it more often than she does. But honestly, I think this whole pants-wearing thing should be equal opportunity amongst the two people in the relationship.

Jimmy: I believe that a girl can wear "some" pants, but I not "the" pants.  I grew up in a household with a very manly (John Wayne-ish) father, but also a very confident, outspoken mother.  For a man to lead doesn't require a woman to change who she is and blindly follow her male counterpart.  It means the guy MANS UP and leads, and the girl accepts that leadership.  This puts the pressure on the men to be good leaders and make good decisions (it's easy to be led by a good leader.  Men...Man up).

Rob: I find confidence in a woman very attractive, but the negative connotation commonly associated with this phrase makes me think of a controlling, insecure micro manager, which is . . . not attractive. A man needs to be a man.

4. Finish this statement: I hate it when girls....

Scott: Play mind games.  Don't lie to me, I know you do it, and I know you teach each other how to do it.  It's so repugnant to use such psychological tricks to manipulate unsuspecting, oblivious guys who are desperate for affection and thus will read into everything a cute girl does toward him.  They do it without even knowing they're doing it--making flirtatious jokes with a guy friend isn't friendship, it's irresponsible. 

Joses: step out of the house with wet hair. Freshly washed hair does smell nice but doesn't look great. Start early - give yourself time to blow/towel dry your crowning glory.

(Y)MC: get together and talk about stupid TV shows like Sex in the City and Lipstick Jungle (the latter of which I once watched religiously). I also hate it when girls talk about "oh my boyfriend did this..." or "ya my husband did that." SHUT YOUR FACE, WOMEN. And those guys need to stop being such over-achievers and making the rest of us look bad. Doesn't anyone honor the Bro Code these days?

Jimmy: Point out when they think they look unattractive in pictures.  For several reasons.  1- They're often WRONG.  2- Not everyone is photogenic ALL the time (well...maybe Joses).  3- Voicing a possible insecurity can often make you more insecure.  Come on, ladies, you're better (and better looking) than that.

Rob: ... are not authentic.   ... lack understanding/perspective.    ... are consumed with gossip.   ... flake out.

5. Finish this statement: I love it when girls....

Scott: Are into "guy stuff."  Sports, comic books, red meat and fast food, sci-fi movies and video games.  Not only does it mean that the girl has really good taste, but to me it's a mark of independence and a care-free spirit for a girl to be into things that aren't considered very appropriate for her.  I know "Smallville" is a mediocre TV show, but when a girl wants to watch the same crappy thing I do out of pure dork intentions, that's pretty sexy.  In a non-sexy kind of way, I suppose.

Joses: Smile.

(Y)MC: I love it when girls stay in the kitchen and cook delicious yet refined food. I also love it when girls nurture their skills in being or becoming a good, solid, and reliable domestic engineer -- responsibilities include, but are not limited to: cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, taking out the trash, checking my children's homework, packing lunches, organizing carpools, writing thank-you notes, wrapping gifts, origami, etc.

Jimmy: Look attractive while dressing modestly.  It can show class, good decision making, and a confidence that they don't have to dress a certain way to get attention (...unless they're trying to get my attention).

Rob: ... are comfortable in their own skin.    ... are good listeners.     ... have clear and passionate goals.    ... have a confident, humble beauty about them.

About the Panelists:

Scott knows that guys are just as messed up as girls, if not more so--he just wants to make sure you know that girls are messed up too, alright?!  You can read more of his messed up opinions at sacredraisincakes.com. / Joses spent many a night sleeping in the same bed as Miller. He now lives and studies in Oxford. / (Y)MC is a son, brother, and husband. During his spare time, he enjoys long walks on the beach, authentic Taiwanese food, and streaming movies online. He believes almost all heterosexual inter-racial relationships are severely skewed, favor the white man, and consequently further disenfranchise the Asian male demographic group. As such, he has embarked on a personal mission to restore the balance in the world of inter-racial love-making. / Jimmy is a self-proclaimed "man among boys."  Not a pompous statement, just a job description.  / Rob is a freelance digital artist and musician. He would love for you to have a great day today.

5/27 Friday Friendzone: Just Friends?

Every Friday, I'll be inviting some of my friends to my "Friendzone" to answer some juicy questions on some hot topic (Not limited to dating/relationships, although I'm sure that will be a frequent topic).  This week's panelists are: Scott, Angrygirl, Jimmy, Lily, and (Y)MC.

This week’s topic is: Just Friends.  How do you become more than just friends? Can you be even be just friends?  Let's see what our panelists had to say...

1. How do you know if a guy/girl likes you?

Scott: This is the easiest thing to figure out, and the one that most people seem to ignore all the time.  If someone likes you, they'll want to be with you as much as possible.  If you want to know if someone likes you, invite them to simple things like getting a coffee or a meal.  Then invite them to things that will take more time for them to plan, like running errands together.  Finally invite them to things that you know will be a big sacrifice of their time, like getting them to go to a volunteering event you know they have no interest in.  If they consistently make time for you, you're in.  If they consistently decline, especially on the simple ones, then forget about it.

Angrygirl: When a guy shows more attention, does nice/sweet things for you, remembers things you've said and acts upon them.. and he only does this with you. That is, his treatment is markedly different from how he treats other girls.

Guys can tell whether their feelings are reciprocated by the response to this stuff. Smiles, genuine hearty laughter, playing along are all positive indications. Tight forced smiles, nervous laughter, conversation killers are signs you should back off. It's really all about the tone and HOW things are being said as opposed to WHAT is being said. "Thanks!" with a smile and a rise in tone is good. "Thanks...." or a curt "Thanks." with a forced smile is probably not good.

Jimmy: Is it bad that I don't think I can answer this question? It's been a few years...

Lily: Me? Personally?  If he says so.  I'm not so good at the non-verbal communication.  Maybe also if he likes talking to me a lot, or if he treats me differently than other girls.  A guy knows I like him if I try to create situations where we can hang out one on one, if I make up an excuse to call him, if I try to get all his online chat info (IM, gchat, Skype).  However, I've done this at some point with guys who are just friends, only much more rarely.  I personally try to make sure the guy doesn't like me though, before doing all that.  Sorry guys, you'll never know until you ask.  I'm glad I'm not a guy, because it sounds really scary!  But in my opinion that's just the way it usually is in Christian circles.   

(Y)MC: The most telling sign of a guy's interest in you is if he keeps popping up in your life without having been invited. He'll show up at social gatherings, meetings that he doesn't actually care about, your neighborhood, or even the public bathroom just to create opportunities to be near/with you. As for indication of a girl's interest in you... they never say it explicitly. It's helpful if you are at least quasi-fluent in a foreign language or ASL, as these skills should enable you to better interpret confusing female signals. 

2. If a guy likes a girl, what should he do to get her attention?  What if the roles are reversed, what should she do to get his attention?

Scott: This is the most gender-biased problem to solve.  Guys should NEVER be nice to a girl whose attention they want, but girls should ALWAYS be nice to a guy whose attention they want.  Basically, girls are used to being treated well ever since they were little, while the opposite is true of guys.  Girls expect to be treated nicely, it's par for the course in a post-feminist society.  You're not gonna stick out.  Being cocky, or mysterious, or a badass, is gonna make you stick out.  On the other hand, make a dude a sandwich and he's putty in your hands.

Angrygirl: The gestures that stand out in my mind are those that showed the guy was really listening and had a sense of humor to know how to play off his knowledge of me. For instance I mentioned one time to a guy that I had just been to CVS and they didn't have the flavor of Dentyne Ice I wanted. A few days later a package came in the mail with a candy company return address, and inside I found packs and packs of Dentyne Ice spearmint.  Another time I playfully argued with a guy over the merits of curry (he didn't think curry was good.. what a weirdo) and he decided to take me to a curry restaurant on our first date to "settle the debate." Stuff like this is definitely not platonic and clearly signals interest. Disclaimer: I think it really depends on the person. What draws my attention wouldn't necessarily be the same for someone else. 

What does a girl need to do? Not much... because guys seem to be perpetually on the prowl for a girl. I actually think guys might be turned off by girls actively trying to be noticed and that instead, it's the girl who's being herself that eventually draws the interest of the guys who are scoping the field.. 

Jimmy: Give her attention. Show an interest in who she is and what she likes. However, do so in a way that is different from your interactions with other female friends. Or, just be bold and forthcoming right off the bat. 

Lily: One good conversation trick that I try to use is stopping at the peak.  Lots of people, if they really like another person, will talk all the way through the conversation, setting, rising action, climax, falling action, denouement (it's like a story!).  They talk all the way until the conversation has completely petered out and has become boring.  Instead, it's better to stop at a high point, even though it's SO tempting to keep talking right then.  Why?  Because you'll end the conversation on a high note, leave the person with the impression that you're both interesting and busy with more than just them (which is also very attractive), and you'll leave them wanting to see you again.  

(Y)MC: Depends. Obviously, in order to succeed, you'll first have to figure out what she likes and dislikes, and then you would tailor your strategery to maximize exposure and create a high rate of return for your time, finances, and emotional investment. For a girl to get a guy's attention, typically skimping on the clothing or developing a "loose" reputation will effectively help a girl garner attention from the opposite sex (including attention from currently registered and future soon-to-be registered sex offenders).

3. How do you know if you're on a date?

Scott: I stick to the position that says there are "friend dates" and "date-dates."  Friend dates can be intentional, like taking someone out to coffee that you just met at church, or unintentional, like holding an impromptu late night study session.  Date-dates must be intentional, in that both parties recognize romantic potential is involved, with initiative and planning necessarily required.  Single young adult men are great at friend dates, but unfortunately on date-dates a lot us tend to suffer from performance anxiety.   

Angrygirl: In an ideal world, guys would ask girls out and then say something really obvious, like "alright, it's a date." But for various reasons this doesn't happen and then girls usually realize ON the date that the guy considers it a date. If both parties are single, and the guy is opening doors and paying for everything and takes to you a very nice steak restaurant where there are linen napkins and sides come separate... yeah that's a date. Also unusual behavior can also be a sign-- dressing nicer than usual, being flirty, yadada. 

Honestly to me it seems so TIRING to try and decipher whether or not something is a date so I would take the direct approach and ask, "is this a date?" You will get one of two responses: "No" = not a date. "Ummmm" = he was hoping it was but now that you ask he has no idea what to say. 

Both approaches (deciphering or asking straight out) have high possibilities for awkwardness so I say just ask straight out.

Jimmy: If I ask her on a date. Men/boys: it only counts if you ASK her out. Don't be a wuss and hope for coincidental 1v1 hangouts. 

Lily: Easiest/best way: the person who asks the other person out says that it's a date.  Usually in dating relationships, the simplest way is the best way.  There are 'signs' that can show me I've been asked on a date, like a nice restaurant where the guy pays and/or just the two of us going somewhere special, but it's nice not to have to agonize over 'the signs.' 

(Y)MC: You're most likely going to be on a date if one of you had mentioned the word "date" before getting together. Also, if you hold hands, kiss, or participate in activities of further physical intimacy, you're probably even more likely to be on a date. As a rule of thumb, I always, always, always kiss on the first date.

4. Can guys and girls just be friends?

Scott: Yes, if the guy thinks the girl is unattractive.  Only temporarily, if he thinks the girl is attractive but she has a boyfriend.  Girls will be miffed by this assertion, but it's true.  This is why girls have "zones" and guys have "ladders."  To a guy, every non-ugly female friend can potentially be something more, and even ones which they didn't initially consider attractive can become attractive.  The lines between "liking" and "loving" are blurred in the male brain.  This is not true for girls.  A friend is a friend, a lover is a lover, and never the twain shall meet!! 

Angrygirl: Until a few months ago I thought this was yes. Then my boyfriend named three people in the last couple of years who were romantically interested in me when, at the time, I thought it was very clear to all parties that I was just buddies with the guy. I think girls have a tendency to think it's possible to have a perfectly platonic relationship with a guy, but from my experience it seems like guys can easily jump from "just a friend" to "want to date."  

Jimmy: Yes. I do think that there can be a relationship that's purely friendship.(Meaning that there can exist a relationship where neither party will want anything more than friendship). However, I think every friendship has moments when one person (or both) at least considers the possibilty of more than a friendship. 

Lily: Sort of.  You have to be honest with your motives in this area.  I've known a lot of people (myself included) who tried to make themselves believe they were just being friends with someone when they actually liked that person.  I've also seen this scenario.  Person A says they just want to be friends with Person B.  B likes A, and A doesn't like B (in that way) at all.  But for some reason, A INSISTS that they have to be close friends with B, even though it's driving B crazy.  Please, A, leave poor B alone.  You don't have to be friends with them. (I see girls do this a lot, but I've seen guys do it too.)  If you want to keep a person of the opposite gender just as a friend, then one way to assure this is to have a few friends of your own gender to confide in.

(Y)MC: Guys and girls can be friends once they finish middle school/junior high school. But sometimes you can run into really sticky situations, like what the girls from Sugar Jones are talking about in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeHl8bEhHsw.

5. Can guys and girls be friends again after they’ve dated or almost dated?

Scott: The person who answers "yes" to this question is the one who initiated the breakup, because they're ignorant and self-centered.  You can only be friends with somebody if you want to be friends.  The person who wanted to break up obviously wants the relationship downgraded to a friendship, so they'll ALWAYS say yes.  The one whose heart is broken doesn't want just a friendship, he or she wanted something more.  If this person says "yes" it's only because: a). they're used to being walked over by people and won't stick up for themselves, b). they hold out hope for the future, sadly, or c). their heart wasn't really broken, like they were secretly hoping to get out too or their mom didn't approve of the girl because she had a fat face.

Angrygirl: Yes, BUT there needs to be time and emotional distance first. Or as my wise crazy mom said, "Just avoid him." Sounds extreme, but I'm grateful I took her advice because I've seen so many friends go through break up, followed by "let's be friends" to take the burn off breaking up, followed by ambiguity with the dumpee experiencing confusion and the dumper experiencing obliviousness or guilt, followed by a second, real break up where the dumpee realizes the hope they had for restoring the relationship was actually all in their head and the dumper totally didn't mean to do that, "I thought we were just friends." If you want to be friends in the future there has to be no hope for becoming more-than-friends, which usually requires a (hopefully temporary) stop in communication. Think of it like an eyebrow tweeze-- quick, initially painful, but infinitely better in the end.

Also the guy my mom told me to leave alone? Didn't talk to him until 3 years later when school scheduling put us back into contact and he is now one of my closest guy friends. And because we've had that history there's more confidence on both sides that we are in fact, just friends.

Jimmy: Yes, I believe they can, but I think past events like that can potentially stifle that relationship from developing into a strong friendship. It can be harder to get close to someone (purly as a friend) after a dating relationship. 

Lily: Imo, not usually.  If the liking was mutual, then it's impossible for me at least to become friends with the person again.  Maybe cordial acquaintances, but even being within the same friend GROUP would be difficult.  Even if the breakup was amicable.  That said, I know there are some people who can go back to being friends again much easier than I can.  So it's a case by case basis.  Note: if only one of the two finds it difficult to go back to being friends, the other one should be sensitive to that.  On the other hand, if the linking was one-sided and that person talked to the other and realized the other didn't feel the same way, I think it's easier to go back to being friends.  As long as the liked person doesn't take advantage of the liker's emotions.

(Y)MC: Theoretically possible, but there's going to be some inevitable awkwardness. In my personal life, I haven't talked to ex's since those relationships ended years ago. Save the drama for their mama...?! 

About the Panelists: 

Scott Yi is a student at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary and a campus minister at Brown University.  He is single, poor, and short, so he doesn't have much going for him.  You can read more of his thoughts at www.sacredraisincakes.com. / Angrygirl is a DC yuppie. / Jimmy is an educator of forest-dwelling high school boys. / Lily is an INTJ (Myers Briggs), and since most INTJs are guys, her advice might be unusual.  She’s read a lot of good Christian literature on dating (and some not so good, like the dreaded Henry Cloud).  She’s been in two relationships, both long-distance. / (Y)MC is a son, brother, and husband. During his spare time, he enjoys long walks on the beach, authentic Taiwanese food, and streaming movies online. He believes almost all heterosexual inter-racial relationships are severely skewed, favor the white man, and consequently further disenfranchise the Asian male demographic group. As such, he has embarked on a personal mission to restore the balance in the world of inter-racial love-making.