7/15 Friday Friendzone: Flirty Edition

1. Are you a flirt?
Joses: Yes.
Annamelon: So I've been told.  But I'm not really trying.  When I was younger, I think I was just naively over-friendly.  Now, I think I'm just sassy.
Angrygirl: I don't try to be but I think sometimes my friendliness can be interpreted as flirting...
Kim: complicated question, but the simple answer is no.  however, i have been known to flirt a lot with guys i'm dating.  plus those lighthearted, delightful guys for whom flirtation as their way of communicating and who don't put too much stock in it.
Scottyi: Nah, I wouldn't describe myself as flirtatious.  I do like to tease people, though.  I think there's a difference--flirting at its root is complementary to the other person, such as giving someone an excessive amount of attention or laughter--while teasing seems to me to be a nicer way to say something critical.  Of course there's also a difference between teasing someone and being a tease: the latter is definitely a form of flirtation while the former isn't.

2. What is your favorite method of flirtation?
Joses: I will not reveal my secret tricks here. I will say, however, that I believe in leaving the interested party in the D.U.S.T. -> Deliberately Unresolved Sexual Tension.
Annamelon: I don't typically flirt intentionally ... so I donno ... I guess my favorite is the natural, nonchalant way ?!  Or I guess what people usually misinterpret for flirting is when I compliment them for how amazing they are in some way (some skill - like being able to hold a very hot pizza pan w/ bare hands, or some physical aspect - like nice hair, some interest they're pursuing - like how cool DJing is) ... so maybe that's a good one?!
Angrygirl: Teasing/making fun of the person. Actually, I kinda do this to most people. It's funny and it usually gives me a good gauge of someone's personality and whether they can take stuff like that. Sometimes I punch people to show my affection for them. ... :D
Kim: talking... texting... mindgames... feigning anger... playful push... making my adorable innocent faces...
Scottyi: Writing messages to each other.  I guess the easiest way to do this is by text; it can be cute when you're in the same room together and you're trying to keep other people from noticing.  But I also love the physicality of just handing a sheet of paper back and forth with scribbles on it.  I like writing down really corny lines such as... "Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"  Gets 'em every time! ;p

3. Should flirting be limited to just the people you might have genuine romantic interest in?
Joses: No. Why else do we call it flirting?
Annamelon: Nah, at least not the kind of "flirting" I do.  I think you should definitely flirt with your servers at restaurants.  You'll prolly get better service, and you brighten their day :)  Hm, or maybe the opposite is true ... if you're a server, you should flirt with your customers so that you brighten their day, and get a bigger tip!  But if you're actually flirting in the I-think-you're-super-cute-and-super-amazing-and-totally-want-to-go-on-a-date-with-you way, then yes ... limit it to only the person you actually wanna go on a date with.  Duh.
Angrygirl: I used to think so. However I know someone (cough Miller cough) who flirts with waitresses (AND WAITERS) to get good customer service or discounts. I have begun using this ploy but only in selected circumstances.
Kim: flirting is a continuum - there's a range between friendly and flirty.  i might venture over into the more flirtatious side if the guy i'm talking to also interacts with the opposite sex in a flirty way just for fun.  as long as it's all in good fun and there's no misunderstanding.
Scottyi: Why would you flirt with someone whose affection you don't want?!  This confuses me greatly.  The only answer that comes to mind is if you're someone with low self-esteem and you desperately want people to like you--in which case it begins to make a ton of sense why girls would teach other how to play mind games.  That being said, I think you can have "genuine romantic interest" in a girl you're meeting for the first time and you want to put yourself out there, which leads me to think it's ok to flirt in a social situation where you're trying to make a good first impression.

4. Is there such a thing as over-flirting?
Joses: In theory, no. Because even if your over-flirting makes you look desperate and unattractive to your target, there's a way to turn it around... with some time and patience. In practice, of course, you want to avoid this.
Annamelon: If you're batting your eyelashes and giggling incessantly ... it's too much.  Or if you're complimenting the person and they clearly look uncomfortable and are trying their very best not to run away from you ... yah, it's prolly too much.
Angrygirl: Yeah. Most people feel awesome when someone flirts with them until they discover that the person is a serial flirter. Then it just becomes meaningless, sort of like the boy who cried wolf except less dangerous and sad.
Kim: definitely.  some people are just too obvious.  it's supposed to be subtle.
Scottyi: Emphatically yes.  I've met lots of people who over-flirt because they don't know how naturally flirtatious they actually are--these are usually very friendly / talkative / expressive / bubbly personalities who are only trying to be nice.  Well, to them I say it's your burden to carefully watch yourself and make sure you keep good boundaries with the opposite sex, or else there's a point where you're just trying to be a tease.  I've seen it happen so many times, when someone misreads an over-flirtist's friendliness and ends up getting burned.  Only YOU can prevent flirtist fires.

5. Are there any modes of flirtation that are a dead giveaway that the flirter really likes the flirtee?
Joses: The long-form flirt is such an example.  What is the long-form flirt? Basically, it's a teasing line that builds upon prior context and contact with the flirtee. Example --> Girl: "Hey, Guy, you've got a nice necktie on. Baby blue, my favorite color." Guy: "Thanks, I try to color match my boxers and my ties." Cheeky wink from Guy.
Two days later, Girl saunters up to Guy and asks, "So, were those boxers you were wearing the other day, were they really blue?"
Annamelon: No.  Boys should just come out straight and say what they're thinking, ie: "I think you're great.  Can I take you out to dinner sometime?"  Although, those cheesy pick-up lines are often a good indicator of interest, ie: (looking at your shirt's tag) "Oh, just like I thought ... made in Heaven."  Sadly, I think I could really fall for one of those cheesy pick-up lines.
Angrygirl: Modes of flirtation? What is this, love languages? What matters more is how much attention you're getting relative to others, not what kind of "mode of flirtation" the person is using.
Kim: giggling too much... paying attention only to that one person... acting completely out of character... looking at the person too much...
Scottyi: I have a lady friend who used to tell me all the time about how lonely she gets and how she wants to be in a relationship and how marriage is always on her mind.  I thought this was a signal that she was open to pursuing something, but as it turns out she'd rather be lonely than share my company.  So... if there's any dead giveaways, I certainly wouldn't know what they are!!

About the Panelists: Joses thought you might be trying to catch his eye from across the room. He tweets at www.twitter.com/jacuzzijo. / Annamelon has days where she accepts the fact that she is a shameless flirt.  And other days, she adamantly holds to the belief that she is simply a social, engaging, friendly person. / Angrygirl, in her young childhood days, used to think flirting was a move in hula dancing. / Kim has a huge crush on soterios johnson from npr.  she likes watching ke$ha interviews and action movies.  even her mom asks her for relationship advice, so she must know something. / Scottyi doesn't have any moves.  That's why he's horrible at flirting, basketball, and chess.  This sad creature's website is www.sacredraisincakes.com.

6/17 Friday Friendzone: Battle of the Sexes (Part 2)

Welcome back to the Friday Friendzone...


This week, the stench of testosterone is long gone!  The only fragrance permeating this air is flowery and feminine...even farts smell like flowers!  So take your time and soak it in....


1. Is it okay for a guy to care about his appearance more than you care about yours?
Angrygirl: Does this mean he would enjoy shopping with me? Does this mean he takes longer than me to get ready? Does it actually result in him looking good? Depending on the answers to those questions, it could either be a bonus or a nuisance.
Kim: ok so i have to do the following: hair, nails, eyelids, lashes, eyebrows, skin, earrings, other jewelry, match shoes and purse (it's totally unfair, by the way, that we have these teeny weeny pockets), put on skin/face lotion, perfume... does that answer the question?  it would be weird if he were PLAGUED by caring about his appearance as i am by caring about mine.
Minphil: That's not hard to do, so yes. I appreciate a guy who is willing to put in some effort. The sloppy look isn't as cute as you think it is.
Coco: I guess it depends on the girl.. my wardrobe now consists solely of light blue scrubs that are about 2 sizes too big yet several inches too short, so I care much less these days. My husband fondly refers to me as the "blue box," and apparently I look like I belong in a TLC video (waterfalls). I think it's nice when a guy cares enough to dress up on occasion. Any extended looks in the mirror are a bit questionable.
Treehugger: I guess it's okay, depending on how much more.  Like if the guy is always checking himself out, freaking out if his hair doesn't look good or his clothes don't look right, I wouldn't be into him.  If that's where he gets his confidence, that's a nono.  It's okay though I think if a guy cares that he doesn't look like a total mess.


2. Is chivalry dead? (Bonus: What is the meanest thing a guy has done to you?)
Angrygirl: It's not dead but it's an endangered species whose appearance is all the more treasured because it's relatively rare. For every modern-day chivalrous knight, there's a guy who thinks of women as living, breathing sex toys solely for his pleasure and use.
(Meanest thing a guy has done to me: pretend he didn't know who I was despite the fact that we had had 5+ introductions and about 283 mutual friends. I don't really buy the whole *sheepish laughter* "oh yeah, we HAVE met before..." after a while. Also nice bonus was the whole eye-averting when we would bump into each other on the street. Is it really that difficult to say a two letter, one syllable greeting? To this day just thinking about it gets me annoyed....)
Kim: story: my mom and i went to the bank together a few months ago, and as we walked towards the door, we saw a father and his ~10 year old son going in.  although we were pretty far behind them, the dad saw us and motioned to his son, who held the door until we got there!  in other words, yes i like it when guys hold doors/call me/initiate a dtr/open the car door/carry something that's too heavy for me, and yes i think the feminists ruined everything.  (oh, and the meanest thing a guy has ever done=dumping me)
Minphil: Defined as "the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms," I'd have to say yes, if only because of the dexterity in arms requirement. That's the clincher.
(Bonus: Nicknamed me Polyps.)
Coco:  I think chivalry is still alive, though it manifests itself through different actions than in the past. A guy doesn't need to open my car door on every occasion in order to be chivalrous. I think chivalry means treating women with respect, honesty and kindness. 
(Meanest thing I guy has done to be: Led me to believe he was really interested/"in love" with me, when his true preference was for members of the opposite sex. I wasted many high school days worrying about our relationship. Perhaps this was my fault, though... )
Treehugger: By this question, do you mean, it has died, and men aren't chivalrous anymore?  Or do you mean, chivalry is dead as it's a thing of the past and doesn't go well with our modern feminist sensibilities?  Well, either way, I think no, chivalry is not dead. Chivalry out of respect for women and not an idea that women are somehow less capable or weaker than men is a great thing.  On that note, I think a lot of men are still chivalrous now maybe with a better attitude behind it.  Some others, maybe not so much.


3. Is it okay for a girl to "wear the pants" in the relationship?
Angrygirl: Girls look good in pants. (Interpret as you wish)
Kim: no. crazy feminists.
Minphil: Each person in a relationship brings strengths that should be acknowledged and benefited from...it shouldn't be about domination, hierarchy, or control but rather a balanced partnership that draws on the gifts of both people.
Coco: Sometimes, when appropriate.. Question: when a guy chooses to cook dinner, do laundry or wash dishes, does it mean that he is "wearing the skirt"?? 
Treehugger: Hmm, I've never really liked this phrase "wear the pants."  Neither one should be domineering the other.  When it comes to big decisions though, I'd say the girl shouldn't "wear the pants".  In decision-making two people in a relationship won't always agree, but eventually someone will have to make a decision and the other will have to submit to that.  Otherwise they'll just end up at a stalemate and nothing'll be done.  Ephesians 5:22 clearly says for wives to submit to their husbands.  Still men should love their wives as Christ loved the church, so their decision should be made out of love for the girl, and the girl would wear the pants in that way.


4. Finish this statement: I hate it when guys....
Angrygirl: Try too hard. It's usually apparent and kind of tragic.. even if you're weird, can't you just do what's natural to you? Don't try to be someone based on what you think girls want or some TV show character you admire, it's very obviously artificial.
Kim: ...show off by being loud and vulgar ...ignore me when i'm asking a question or trying to get a laugh.
Minphil: I hate it when guys...ignorantly attribute a woman's emotions to PMS in order to delegitimize what she's saying or how she feels.
Coco: Try to USE girls, especially when related to their immigration status. I know your secret.. it's all a big scheme to get a green card :)
Treehugger: I hate it when guys complain about PMS and blame a girl's behavior on PMS when many men clearly show symptoms of PMS all-year round.  BUT Their PMS doesn't have any useful biological contribution to human reproduction.


5. Finish this statement: I love it when guys....
Angrygirl: Pursue passionate interests. By interests, I do not mean girls. I mean things ranging from hobbies (e.g., playing guitar, basketball) to causes (e.g., social justice, international economic development). It shows selflessness and a rounded character, and I like that they're using their potential for something that's not wholly self-serving. 
Kim: ...are intelligent ...are candid and humble ...are gentle in their words and actions 
Minphil: I love it when guys...give good hugs.
Coco: Make me laugh. I think it's important for a fulfilled and happy life.
Treehugger: I love it when guys are passionate about God, pursue Him with abandon, are compassionate towards the weak and lost, and live with conviction about who they are in God and what they are doing as opposed to dilly dallying through life.


About the Panelists:
Angrygirl is a DC yuppie who occasionally wears pants. (Interpret as you wish). / Kim has a huge crush on soterios johnson from npr.  she likes watching ke$ha interviews and action movies.  even her mom asks her for relationship advice, so she must know something. / Minphil, for the record, doesn't want to battle. Cupcakes and laughter preferred. / Coco is an old friend of Miller's who once declared that he was her "entertainment." She now spends her days celebrating the joy of bringing new life into the world. / Treehugger likes hugging trees because they're like hugging big people.