6/27 Monday MillBox

Q: Miller, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, if you had to choose between these two, which would you rather have at this current stage of your life? 

Choice A: Herpes (not the innocuous "lip fungus" type, but the other kind, you know)
Choice B: A baby/infant
The rule is that you must pick one. Explain. -- Yufu

A: Well Yufu, this one is easy.  I'm gonna pick Choice B because Herpes are forever.  Once that baby turns 18, you can send it off to college.  Herpes you can't just send to college, because every admissions officer would be like..."I'm sorry, our fine establishment has plenty of Herpes already...affirmative action has forced us to accept more humans this year.  Best of luck in all your future endeavors."

Q: Dear Miller, after reading the mixed opinion of the Friday Friendzone panelists, I'm wondering...what do YOU think about summer flings? -- Girl who wears Abercrombie and Fitch


A: Man...summer flings are fun, but not recommended.  My two most memorable summers before college involved summer flings.  Summer romance is incredibly exhilarating; I'll give you that.  BUT just like how April showers bring May flowers (or May allergies)...Summer Romance brings Fall No-mance!!!  The expectation that things will stay the same in the fall when school starts is crazy.  One of you is bound to want more of what happened in the summer and one of you is bound to want less of what happened in the summer.  And if you were the one that wanted more (like I was), you're gonna get hurt.  So...after this happening twice...I retired from the summer fling business...and had even more exhilarating summers than the ones I had in high school.

For any high school dude looking for something exhilarating to do this summer...just imagine how worthwhile it is to explain the intricacies of who you are to some girl for something that might last for a few months....versus how worthwhile it is to explain the intricacies of a flawless God to guys for something that might last for an eternity.  That's right, sign up for a summer mission trip, but leave the missionary goggles at home.

Q: Which is the bigger NBA story last week: NBA Draft or Ron Artest's name change?


A: The Bigger NBA story is the NBA Draft, but for the sake of my loyal readers who would rather hear about Ron Artest's name change to Metta World Peace...lemme just say that I think he's flipped his lid.  I really thought that Ron Artest was maturing as a person.  I mean after he jumped into the stands several years ago to beat up a fan in Detroit, I would have never imagined that he'd win the NBA's Outstanding Citizenship Award for his work in promoting psychiatric care for the mentally ill.  But man, I think this is a bad move.  Don't get me wrong.  The name change idea itself is great!  He needs a fresh start...the Ron Artest name is associated with a lot of baggage.  The problem is...why "Metta World Peace"???  I mean... "Metta" is a buddhist term for kindness....so his name is going to mean "Kindness World Peace?"  Why does his teammate Pau Gasol get called out for being soft and without toughness when his name does NOT mean "Kindness World Peace"?  I think Ron Artest should instead change his name to "Psych Ward" because it would further his image as a spokesperson for psychiatric care.  He could also claim to be related to Hines Ward.

As far as the NBA draft is concerned, my new favorite NBA player has gotta be the #3 pick overall, Enes Kanter from Turkey.  The reason: he wants to become a WWE Wrestler after he retires from the NBA.  Enes Kanter is a big fan of wrestling icon The Undertaker and his nickname from college is The UnderKanter.  Check out this vid of Enes Kanter entering a University of Kentucky prep rally to The Undertaker's theme music!  Even if this guy turns out to be the worst basketball player ever, he's already won me over.

Q: After establishing ill-will for Obama last week, what do you think his dog Bo?


A: You mean Bo'Bama?  Well, don't you think Obama should be offended that Ted Kennedy gave him a black dog?  I mean...seriously...just because he's the first black president doesn't mean he needs to own the first black presidential dog.  I mean...doesn't that just remind you of slavery?  Instead Obama should have gotten a white dog to make him only the 2nd whitest member of his immediate family.

Future Dog Names for Republican Candidates: Mutt Romney, Michelle Barkman, Neutered Gingrich.

Q: Are you jealous that your girlfriend is going to the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys concert next week?


A: Slightly.  She gets to see 2 awesome boybands live.  Closest thing to a boyband I've seen live: BBMak.

5/23 Monday MillBox

After a 3 year hiatus....the Daily Millings are back again!!!  This time around, each day of the week will have a different gimmick that is inspired by alliteration (hence, Monday MillBox).  Every Monday, I'll be answering questions submitted by my loyal readers.  If you have a question you want to be answered by the next Monday, just leave it in the comments section below and check back on Monday for an answer!

Now let's get to this week's MillBox...

Q: Now that you have the benefit of hindsight, tell us who was better: backstreet boys or *nsync? -- Nick Lachey (98 degrees)

A: Well Nick, I don't need hindsight for this one.  My answer back then is the same as my answer right now.  The Backstreet Boys were totally better.  If this is merely a question of which group had the single most talented player, I might answer otherwise, BUT if you're talking group...it's gotta be BSB.  Each member got a solo in their biggest hit "I Want It That Way" and even the one that had the least solos seemed really musically competent by actually playing the piano in some of their later songs.  Can *nsync boast the same overall talent?  No Way!  Justin Timberlake just hosted SNL a few nights ago and joked that he couldn't even remember Chris Kirkpatrick's name!  BTW, I get the feeling that those *nsync guys weren't really friends in real life.  BSB, on the other hand, are still going strong as a group.  Meanwhile, Chris Kirkpatrick entered obscurity once he ignored the teachings of Samson, Lance Bass is best known for being a gay astronaut, JC Chasez appeared on a bad reality show, and Joey Fatone's last name still spells FAT ONE.  BSB 4 life!!!

In case you wanted to know, Nick...I can pretty confidently say that your 98 degrees weren't even close to those 2 groups.  That was not the "hardest thing I've ever had to do" and I do not wanna "give you just one night, una noche."  ....although for some reason I will say that "with you, I can let my hair down; I can say anything crazy, etc etc etc"

Q: Dear Miller, am I in trouble? -- Arnold (Sacramento, CA)

A: Oh Arnold.  I'd say so.  Not only did you get caught for cheating on your wife, BUT you did it with an old abuelita-looking maid, who probably only wanted to extort your money by bearing you more Austr-spring (Austrian + offspring)....Also....all your movie titles can easily been turned into headline puns!


Arnold's Marriage Terminated!


True Lies...exposed!


Kindergarten Cop-ping a feel??? (Okay that one needs work...)

Q: Any thoughts on the death of wrestling icon Macho Man Randy Savage? -- Slim Jim (Florida)

A: First off, he was definitely a top 5 wrestler in the '80s.  He might not be as well known as Hulk Hogan, BUT he was way better at the actual wrestling and almost on par with Hogan as far as charisma goes.  But, on the other hand, he was a really crazy dude, who did questionable things in his personal life that aren't worthy of praise....


My biggest beef with him, though, is...false advertising.  I have never once "snapped" into a Slim Jim.  I always expected the huge crunching sound that was advertised in the commercials...but it never happened.  Slim Jims were overrated, but give Savage credit for always making me believe that my next one might finally give me that satisfying snapping sound.  OHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH! Dig it!

Q: When I told young impressionable Christians about how "I kissed dating goodbye," did I ruin everything for them? Did I force them to kiss dating goodbye, too? -- J. Harris (Maryland)

A: You sure did, man.  You implied that dating was wrong and that courtship was the way to go.  I understand that people should be entering relationships with the intention to marry, BUT I think you made our generation scared to go out on dates with people they didn't see as wife-able or husband-able.  But, ask happily married couples around you....did they think so highly of their spouse when they first met them?  Seeing how someone acts in a group OR from far away OR from their social networking site is NOT an accurate portrayal of how they might really be like.  Just saying, perhaps you should go out on a few dates with someone before you decide whether you want to borrow half of their genetics for your spawn.

Q: Hey Miller, what do you think is the greatest invention of the last century? -- Joe (Providence, RI)

A: Hands down, I'd hafta say the electric mosquito racket.  No offense to the automobile, the airplane, or the computer, BUT this one's not even close.


Thanks for the questions.  Remember to submit questions for next week's MillBox in the comments section below!