7/25 Monday MillBox

Q: If you could be someone else for a day (ala The Change-Up movie with Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds), who would you be? (Person must be alive on Earth so don't try to be holy and say "Jesus.") -- my girlfriend
A: First off, thank you for the anti-holy disclaimer...it saves me in case someone out there criticizes me for not picking Jesus.  I do, though, feel some sort of obligation to pick someone who isn't totally morally bankrupt.  I'm going to have to go with the modern day Reggie Miller: Ray Allen.  I'd get the chance to be on the Boston Celtics and compete for a title...and make $10 million for shooting 3's.  I'd even have the stroke to force the Celtics television network to give my wife a cooking show she doesn't deserve!  (...but because of the current NBA lockout, I might not want to use up my day on a labor dispute....so I retain the right to change my answer to current WWE champion but former WWE employee CM Punk).

Q: Which superhero (from any comic or cartoon) do you think could defeat Jean Grey from X-men (pre-Phoenix but post-being able to harness her powers)? -- my girlfriend
A: My best answer: Cyclops.  With an optic blast, you say?  No way, his true power is boring you to death.


Q: Are chinese accent jokes too racist for this blog? -- Tim H
A: Since I don't like the double standards of racism such as how the "N-word" is acceptable to use if you're black...I'm gonna say that Chinese accent jokes are not too racist for this blog.  BUT, I will judge them by merit...any Chinese accent joke must be inherently funny and creative.  When it comes to Chinese accent jokes, I'm gonna be a Tiger Mom; an A- is deserving of  punishment.

Q: Should I get a Cru cut? Should we avoid CRUde language? Is the Ivy conference all about reCRUitment? Does Stevey D Douglas have crupies? How does "crucifiction is cruel, but cru is cool" rate as a slogan? Bah, too many to make, I better go recruperate. -- Tim H
A: In order: Yes, it eliminates the need for combs and hairdryers.  Definitely avoid swearing...but if you consider talking about poop to be crude, then no.  Yes.  YES, I can't believe I shook his hand and had a 20 second conversation with him (btw...Stevie D is the President of CRU...which sounds less impressive than being President of Campus Crusade for Christ, Intl.)!  Terrible slogan.


Q: The "daily" component of dailymillings has been a bit inconsistent as of late. Are we approaching that turning point of losing interest? -- Yufu
A: Perhaps, it's time to start a "Save Our Millings" telethon...complete with old white guy holding African baby.


Q: Who would you rather have as a brother-in-law (i.e. this guy will be marrying Kathryn): 
(A) Joshua Harris ("I Kissed Dating Goodbye," "Boy Meets Girl", and the upcoming release "Boy Kissed Boy");
(B) Yaw Darkwa (soon-to-be NYS licensed attorney);
(C) Glen Davis AKA Big Baby (cried when KG yelled at him); or
(D) Mr. James R. Tull (who grows a great beard)

--Yufu

A: Option A is eliminated because he's married.  Option B is out because he's the type of person who laughs at bestiality so much that there's such a thing as "Yaw's bestiality laugh" in common vernacular.  Option C is an interesting choice...depending on whether he signs with the Celtics this year or not.  But Option D is the most solid option....only person to have ever won 2 MillStar Awards...impressive.
Q: Now that Yao Ming has formally announced his retirement from the NBA, is Jeremy Lin going to be our next great Asian hope? He's Taiwanese (the best kind of Asian), FYI. --Yufu

A: Nope, Jeremy Lin is gonna be a career bench player at best...which means that Yi Jianlian is sadly the best Asian basketball player in the world.  Years ago, we all thought that Yao Ming was only the first of many Chinese breeding projects that would dominate the NBA...well, we were wrong.  Asians have only regressed since rumors of Yao's retirement.  See: Catherine Kieu Becker.  Bad news until penis removal becomes an Olympic sport.

7/18 Monday MillBox

Tons of questions today, so let's get started...


Q: If all the Teddy Ruxpins in the world revolted and tried to take over, could Manny Pacquiao stop them? -- Tim H
A: No.  Simply No.  Eventually Manny Paq's fists would be worn down by the cassette tape players.  But I like this concept for a movie.  Perhaps... iRobot 2 starring Manny Pacquiao in the Will Smith role battling all the Teddy Ruxpins.

Q: If you crossed Teddy Ruxpin with Manny Pacquiao, would you get an evil genius teddy bear with phenomenal boxing skill who would proceed to take over the world and make everyone read him bedtime stories, or would you get Chewbacca? -- Tim H
A: I would hope for the first option.


Q: WHY do you use so many ellipses?! -- my girlfriend
A: I think it gives the reader...the most accurate pacing for what it would be like...to sit through a real conversation with me.  If it bothers you, stop trying to read so fast and just enjoy my company.


Q: what would be the best way to let everyone know that I'm pregnant? (FYI-- I'm not yet as of now but this is for future references.) -- Yufu
A: I would want you to give me an STD...you know a "save the date"...just like you mailed me one for your wedding.  BUT I think I'd also appreciate a phone call with you proclaiming "I Did It!"  or a text with a composite photo of you and your wife just to preview your super-race babies.


Q: what is the best way to cope with the recent onset of heat waves across the United States of America? -- Yufu
A: Buy tons of ice cream, dump them in an empty room, and swim in your new ice cream pool like Scrooge McDuck would swim in golden coins.  It would probably ruffle less tailfeathers than gold.  How did he do that anyway?  Also, you should remove all the clothing than you possibly can without crossing any legal or moral boundaries...see Friday Friendzone Summer Edition for what may or may not be acceptable summer attire.

Q: besides abstinence and other man-made devices, what are some of the best "natural" or "holistic" way to minimize the risk of unwanted pregnancy? Note-- the use of the Gregorian calendar doesn't count as an alternative approach. --Yufu
A: Are you just trying to get me to advocate belly-button sex?  I won't take your bait.

Q: if you had to be stuck on an island and reconstitute the human race with someone, would you rather choose Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg, or Queen Latifah? -- Yufu

A: Oprah's on my all-Anti-Christ Team so that rules her out.  Plus, a name like Goldberg imposes a fear upon me that my male offspring will need to undergo painful foreskin removal procedures.  Also, Whoopi has no eyebrows...we would look ridiculous next to each other due to eyebrow thickness disparity.  What if eyebrow thickness is a highly evolved trait that Whoopi would just dilute for my potentially new human race?  By default, I must say Queen Latifah...does that mean I would become a royal?

Q: so I've been doing a ton of sanding recently, and I'm kind of near the end of having semi-clean but always colorful underwear to put on. Which would you recommend-- forego underwear entirely, flip them inside out, or just find some paper bag or cling wrap to put on until laundry is done? -- Yufu

A: Flipping is less than optimal.  Paper bag will probably lead to chafing.  I say forego it.

Q: Also... My phone doesn't seem to like it when I type "Yufu"... It keeps autocorrecting to "Yugu"... Which sounds and looks totally stupid... Why does my phone do that...? (That's another Millbox question there...)... -- Yufu

A: The answer is quite simple.  Your phone is racist and wants you to take on a slave name like "Michael."  But fight the power, Yufu.  Don't let the man and his autocorrect hold you down.

Q: With regards to your recent mentioning of a certain man's private part getting cut off by one angry wife in California, what "state" should the private part be at in order to yield a good, clean cut? ("State" is not in reference to geography, but rather it is to vasoconstriction and/or vasodilation.) - Anonymous
A: If it's all about a good clean cut, I'd probably say erect is the preferred state.  But I would hope that if one was having their penis sawed off, he would not have an erection at the same time.  Too strange...and perhaps too vulgar to go into further detail on this blog.


Thanks for all the questions...peace out, homies.

7/11 Monday MillBox: Wordplay

The MillBox was empty this week...so it looks like I'm gonna hafta make up all the "MillBox" questions again...

Q: [Mill-"Box"] Dear Miller, does boxing appeal to you the same way pro wrestling does?

A: Nope...not at all.  My love for pro wrestling is too deeply ingrained.  Pro boxing doesn't offer anywhere near as much drama leading into to the match unless it's really between the 2 most famous boxers of the generation (ie Foreman vs Ali, Tyson vs Holyfield)...but nowadays the only appealing boxing fight would be between Pacquiao and whoever you think is the best American boxer....but everyone's dodging Pacquiao apparently...

As for real boxing, I've took a boxing class a few years back with my girlfriend.  It was actually pretty fun...but probably most fun because I was inside a ring for the first time.  If boxing lessons weren't so expensive, I'd probably do it again....although my inability to jump rope was quite embarrassing...especially since I had probably out-athleted Lisa in everything we had done together up until that point.  Lisa, by the way, is now a regular at her local boxing gym...

Q: [Mill-Bots] What's the creepiest robot of all time?

A: Hands down...it's gotta be Teddy Ruxpin!  For those of you who have never heard of Teddy Ruxpin: imagine a stuffed animal teddy bear that sort of looks like a chipmunk (based on the picture on the right).  Take away all it's cuddle-ability by putting a solid cassette tape player into its belly.  THEN...make it seem like he's reading a story to you by making its mouth move whenever you press the play button!!!  Having had a Teddy Ruxpin as a little kid, I'm shocked that I didn't secretly believe there was a similar cassette tape player inside of me!  I wonder if they make Teddy Ruxpin mp3 players now...in which you plug a usb cord into Teddy's back to sync him...hmmmmm...

Q: [Mill-Boss] Who's the Boss: George Steinbrenner, Bruce Springsteen, or Tony Danza?

A: Technically...Tony Danza was never a boss at all...because on the Sitcom "Who's the Boss?" he was actually sort of a man-nanny for an alpha female boss....BUT...who cares?!? Tony Danza is, in my opinion, THE BOSS!

Q: [Mill-Bach] Do you ever listen to classical music?

A: Pretty much never...unless my dentist forces it upon me...if I ever need music to block out the noise of others...I usually turn to the "piano solo" station on Pandora.  Speaking of Pandora, be sure to check out the 90's Summer Music channel  for much needed nostalgia! (Credit to Annamelon for this discovery.)

Q: [Mill-Blocks] Is it ever okay to stand in the way of another guy's pursuit of a girl (EVEN if you aren't romantically interested in the girl)?

A: I think "Bros before Hoes" is generally a good rule of thumb...but sometimes it's given much more power than it deserves.  Sometimes you gotta break the rule because you just don't think a dating relationship involving these 2 people is a very good idea for one or both of the parties.  Our present culture seems to be very pro-dating, so it's probably good to have people around you who are willing to tell you not to be a bonehead and date someone who you obviously shouldn't marry or whatnot.  Sometimes,  the best way to be a "bro" is to run a little interference so he can't succeed in his pursuit of a certain girl.  You run the risk of them both hating you for what you're doing and them becoming even more motivated to date because of their newfound "Romeo and Juliet" complex.....BUT maybe...just maybe....they'll one day realize how you were just trying to speak some truth into their lives and push them out of the way of an oncoming truck.

7/4 Monday MillBox

Q: Can you think of a fate worse than my current one, that of being stuck on OB/GYN service looking at vaginas for an entire month?  Have you ever heard of vajazzling?  I did, this month... -- timhavens


A: Hmmm.... looking at vajayjays for an entire month is a pretty bad deal...especially when many of them are gooey or fishy or falling out... If I want to willingly experience any of those things for a month...I must be a deep sea fisherman...otherwise...my condolences go out to you, Tim.


As for Vajazzling...Man!  I'm already disappointed in myself for having heard of bedazzling....now this is crazy....why would you do that?  What pattern would you even jewel there?  Again, I'm sorry for your predicament...


Finally...let's say you're a professional baker...and you're job is to make cupcakes all day...so many cupcakes that the last thing you want to do when you go home is see a cupcake...


...in short...does being on OB/GYN service diminish your libido?

Q: What do you make of the bands who were big when you were in high school coming out new albums? Take Limp Bizkit's "Gold Cobra", and Simple Plan's "Get Your Heart On", for instance, in addition to boybands making a comeback as well. -- jacuzzijo


A: Hey jacooz, I think I was already in college when Simple Plan was big, so I'll just be addressing Limp Bizkit here.  When I was in middle school, I remember saying that my favorite band was Limp Bizkit.  I thought that "Nookie" was going to go down as a classic song on par with BSB's "I Want It That Way"....but years and years later...I'm wondering why I even liked Limp Bizkit....I don't even have the motivation to youtube "Gold Cobra"....in the end, I'm gonna say that Limp Bizkit got lucky.  They were in an era in which you could cover songs and sell tons of records (ie. Limp Bizkit's "Faith" in a generation that also featured Puff Daddy's "I'll Be Missing You")....they also got lucky in that mixing punk rock and rap actually worked....years ahead of Jay-Z and Linkin Park...there was Limp Bizkit and Method Man and Red Man with "'N Together Now".....after "Break Stuff"....there luck just ran out...sorry Limp Bizkit....in the end, I shouldn't have expected so much from a Bizkit of Limp variety...


Q: Miller, your blog's content comes exclusively from Brown alumni/students. Do you think that affects the writing for better or worse? -- O_canada

A: I won't confirm or deny that...BUT I have no intention of exclusively looking to Brown alumni/students for content.  So if your question is whether I'd let Brown dropout Emma Watson into my Friendzone, the answer is most likely yes....definitely yes before the short hair....


If you'd like to become an occasional panelist on the Friday Friendzone, send me an email... no ties to Brown are required....

Q: What song should you sing if you doubt the credibility of a certain poofy-haired Canadian Friday Friendzone panelist?


A: (Y)MC, eh?







Q: Are you sad that I won't be competing in today's Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest? (Takeru Kobayashi, Japan)


A: C'mon Kobayashi...what's your deal???  You have no integrity and no honor.  I thought you were Japanese... So what you've lost the last 4 years  after winning the previous 6... You give a bad name to all of us who have ever walked around with a fake wrestling belt....

Also...what's with Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest expanding this year into two separate contests...one for men and one for women.... has Title IX infiltrated the hallowed halls of competitive eating?!?!?!?  I'm not even sure if this is a victory for gender equality or not....will feminists celebrate tomorrow when they see 10 women stuff themselves with hot dogs while a predominantly male audience eggs them on to become the first ever woman to win the most gluttonously famous competition in the world?  Or should feminists be fighting to be let back into the competition with the men?

6/27 Monday MillBox

Q: Miller, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, if you had to choose between these two, which would you rather have at this current stage of your life? 

Choice A: Herpes (not the innocuous "lip fungus" type, but the other kind, you know)
Choice B: A baby/infant
The rule is that you must pick one. Explain. -- Yufu

A: Well Yufu, this one is easy.  I'm gonna pick Choice B because Herpes are forever.  Once that baby turns 18, you can send it off to college.  Herpes you can't just send to college, because every admissions officer would be like..."I'm sorry, our fine establishment has plenty of Herpes already...affirmative action has forced us to accept more humans this year.  Best of luck in all your future endeavors."

Q: Dear Miller, after reading the mixed opinion of the Friday Friendzone panelists, I'm wondering...what do YOU think about summer flings? -- Girl who wears Abercrombie and Fitch


A: Man...summer flings are fun, but not recommended.  My two most memorable summers before college involved summer flings.  Summer romance is incredibly exhilarating; I'll give you that.  BUT just like how April showers bring May flowers (or May allergies)...Summer Romance brings Fall No-mance!!!  The expectation that things will stay the same in the fall when school starts is crazy.  One of you is bound to want more of what happened in the summer and one of you is bound to want less of what happened in the summer.  And if you were the one that wanted more (like I was), you're gonna get hurt.  So...after this happening twice...I retired from the summer fling business...and had even more exhilarating summers than the ones I had in high school.

For any high school dude looking for something exhilarating to do this summer...just imagine how worthwhile it is to explain the intricacies of who you are to some girl for something that might last for a few months....versus how worthwhile it is to explain the intricacies of a flawless God to guys for something that might last for an eternity.  That's right, sign up for a summer mission trip, but leave the missionary goggles at home.

Q: Which is the bigger NBA story last week: NBA Draft or Ron Artest's name change?


A: The Bigger NBA story is the NBA Draft, but for the sake of my loyal readers who would rather hear about Ron Artest's name change to Metta World Peace...lemme just say that I think he's flipped his lid.  I really thought that Ron Artest was maturing as a person.  I mean after he jumped into the stands several years ago to beat up a fan in Detroit, I would have never imagined that he'd win the NBA's Outstanding Citizenship Award for his work in promoting psychiatric care for the mentally ill.  But man, I think this is a bad move.  Don't get me wrong.  The name change idea itself is great!  He needs a fresh start...the Ron Artest name is associated with a lot of baggage.  The problem is...why "Metta World Peace"???  I mean... "Metta" is a buddhist term for kindness....so his name is going to mean "Kindness World Peace?"  Why does his teammate Pau Gasol get called out for being soft and without toughness when his name does NOT mean "Kindness World Peace"?  I think Ron Artest should instead change his name to "Psych Ward" because it would further his image as a spokesperson for psychiatric care.  He could also claim to be related to Hines Ward.

As far as the NBA draft is concerned, my new favorite NBA player has gotta be the #3 pick overall, Enes Kanter from Turkey.  The reason: he wants to become a WWE Wrestler after he retires from the NBA.  Enes Kanter is a big fan of wrestling icon The Undertaker and his nickname from college is The UnderKanter.  Check out this vid of Enes Kanter entering a University of Kentucky prep rally to The Undertaker's theme music!  Even if this guy turns out to be the worst basketball player ever, he's already won me over.

Q: After establishing ill-will for Obama last week, what do you think his dog Bo?


A: You mean Bo'Bama?  Well, don't you think Obama should be offended that Ted Kennedy gave him a black dog?  I mean...seriously...just because he's the first black president doesn't mean he needs to own the first black presidential dog.  I mean...doesn't that just remind you of slavery?  Instead Obama should have gotten a white dog to make him only the 2nd whitest member of his immediate family.

Future Dog Names for Republican Candidates: Mutt Romney, Michelle Barkman, Neutered Gingrich.

Q: Are you jealous that your girlfriend is going to the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys concert next week?


A: Slightly.  She gets to see 2 awesome boybands live.  Closest thing to a boyband I've seen live: BBMak.

6/20 Monday MillBox

Q: Why is there an ad for "Big Girls Bra" between this post & the next? Is there some subliminal message I'm supposed to understand, or have you shifted your target audience to big girls who need big bras? -- Yufu
A: Interesting question, Yufu.  Until you brought it to my attention, I thought that the ads were generated based on the content of my site.  Checking my blog right now, I see ads for: Christianmingle.com (on the sidebar), laser hair removal, "Singles over 50," Dockers Dress Pants, and "Fertility problems?".  I suppose this means that that "they" think that I'm a single bald male over 50 years old who does not "wear the pants" and is infertile....but I am encouraged that they offered me a Christian dating service!!!  So, my thought then is...have you been googling for Big Girls Bras recently?  To answer your 2nd question, then, I have not shifted my target audience because I guess I've always appealed to readers like you who want Big Girls Bras. (For other readers, what ads are you seeing?)


Also, just in case you're wondering whether I make a buttload of money off this blog or not...I've made 20 cents since in the last 4 weeks.  That's right....5 cents per week....1 cent per entry!!!


Q: Miller, having known you for almost 10 years, I know you've always viewed your body as a temple of God. This is particularly true for your Darkwa-like lips. Having said this, how did your first kiss come about? Details please. -- Yufu (...again)
A:One word: -9.8m/s^2


Q: If you wanna go political... would you ever vote for a mormon? -- your girlfriend
A: Definitely not, if it's David Archuletta.  Slight chance, if it's Donny Osmond.  Maybe, if it's Danny Ainge (Boston Celtics General Manager).  But in general...I've been know to say that I'm all for polygamy...if all that means is "many games"....then I'm all for that!

Q: where was the bus driver while this is happening?!? Did he/she know what you were doing?! -- Mikey
A: To clarify my poop in bag story, the bus driver was not on the bus when I pooped.  He was hanging out in the park near the bus.  I walked to him to ask for paper towels and he said there were some on the bus, but he did not go to the bus with me.  As to whether he knew what I was doing or not...I'm guessing no because...it's probably not every day that a kid poops in a plastic bag.

Q: okay another question: pres. obama's radio address before father's day said "So recently, I took on a second job: assistant coach for Sasha’s basketball team. On Sundays, we’d get the team together to practice, and a couple of times, I’d help coach the games. It was a lot of fun – even if Sasha rolled her eyes when her dad voiced his displeasure with the refs."

how does it make you feel knowing that president obama is not just president of the united states but living your dream of working as a youth basketball coach? -- your girlfriend (...again)

A: Man...it makes me want to become a referee in Sasha's basketball league...I'd eject him from the first time I referee a game he's coaching...

...then after totally embarrassing the most powerful man in the world...

...I'd ask myself....why did I move all the way to DC to become a lousy referee in a girls basketball league?  Am I the worst terrorist ever? 

6/13 Monday MillBox

Dirk Denies LeBron!!!

Q: The Mavs beat the Heat last night just like you predicted.  Wanna gloat about it? -- Miller


A: Why, yes, Miller....even though I predicted the Mavs in 5 and not Mavs in 6....it was a bold enough prediction that I will still claim victory!  Dirk played great and earned that MVP award even though I don't think he's a top 20 player of all-time.  Lemme name 20 players who were better just to prove it...

From the pre-1980s: Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Jerry West, Oscar Robertson, John Havlicek, Bob Cousy
From the 1980s: Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Moses Malone, Julius Erving
From the 1990s: Hakeem Olajuwon, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, John Stockton, Karl Malone
From the 2000s: Shaquille O'Neal, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant

BUT if we choose to have affirmative action for European basketball players, I guess Dirk is historically the best....although I would personally cast my biased vote for Vlade Divac!!! (and yes, I left LeBron off my top 20!)

Q: Is your girlfriend a real person? -- Mikey

A: Hey Mikey, you can believe what you want to believe.  BUT if I must answer...I will just say...not only is my girlfriend a real person....she's a real angry person...Japanese samurai angry...

Please ask me more questions for next week!!!  (Leave any questions you might have in the comments section below)

6/6 Monday MillBox

Q: Be honest, Miller.  Your blogs have tended to only last for 2 weeks before inevitable death.  Is the end near? -- longtime reader

A: Hmmm...good question!  As I sit here having to make up all these questions (including this one), I'm not sure how much more content I can produce.  I'll be honest.  If it weren't for the fun of doing the Friday Friendzone segments and if it weren't for my girlfriend helping me come up with things to write about, this blog might have already died...haha.  BUT, yeah... I think in the long-term, I'll keep doing MillBox (if there are enough questions provided), Milligans, Weekly awards, and Friday Friendzone.  The Thursday Theological Thoughts is really hard to write because unlike the other segments I need to really make sure I don't write anything misleading or heretical!  In the near future, I might alter the Thursday segment to something else and I might consider renting it out to guest columnists.  Let me know if you're interested in renting out a Thursday!

Q: Dear Miller, I noticed that you take pride in your name so much so that you name your segments MillBox, MillStars, MillDuds, Milligans, etc.  Well...let's say your name was a synonym of "penis" like my last name is...why is it so wrong for me to flaunt MY name? -- Representative Anthony Weiner (New York)

A: Representative Weiner.  Simply put, it's wrong because your name is Weiner.  If I was born with a name like Tony Weiner, I would do one of two things with my life:
1) Start a hot dog stand called Weiner's Weiners.  OR..
2) Do something else AND do everything in my ability to avoid a scandal involving my weiner (....especially one that involves a picture of my weiner being sent out on twitter!!!)

Clearly, you failed on both fronts.  Check out what Weiner's college roommate Jon Stewart had to say about Weiner's weiner scandal.

Q: Does anybody you know besides yourself still care about (fake) wrestling? -- your girlfriend


A: Ummm....probably not?  Next question...

Q: How many dates should you have before initiating a DTR ("Define The Relationship" conversation)? -- Darrell Tyrone Robinson 


A: I think you should have 3 dates before you DTR...BUT I must say that the DTR I had at the beginning of my current relationship came at the end of our very first date.  So let me amend my statement to say...I think you should have 3 dates before you DTR UNLESS your first date is 10 hours long with an angry Japanese girl, in which case, you should just go ahead and DTR on the first date.

Q: Why do people insist on popping pimples when it's bad for you and causes scarring?


A: Cuz it's sooooooooooooooo fun to see all that pus ooze out!!!!!! Who's with me?


Remember, if you have ANY questions for next week's MillBox, please submit them in the comments section below!

5/30 Memorial Monday MillBox

Happy Memorial Day!   Hope you have something awesome planned for today, but if not...feel free to read this column over and over again!  Let's get to the questions...

Q: What's your favorite tv show, ever? -- annamelon

A: Well, annamelon...this one is tough.  The first shows that pop into my mind would be the T-NBC (the T is for teen?) shows I grew up with on Saturday mornings like Saved by the Bell, California Dreams, and Hang Time.  I would give Saved by the Bell the advantage because it was the original and just had the perfect 6-person cast highlighted by every guy's childhood crush Kelly Kapowski.

Now for some other of my fave tv shows...

Favorite cartoon: 90's Spiderman cartoon on Fox.

Favorite sporty show: anything WWF

Favorite show since Y2K: Now this may be surprising, but I will not say Glee. Glee fizzled out way too quickly and I'm still trying to figure out whether it jumped the shark yet or not.  So...I'm gonna go with Veronica Mars.  Surprised?  Well, you shouldn't be.  After watching a few episodes, I was hooked. And after watching all 3 seasons, I kept on wondering why they didn't get another season.  The writing is really witty yet charming.  Plus, Kristen Bell is prob my fave actress.  If you haven't seen VMars yet, I'd really recommend it.  All the episodes are free at http://www.thewb.com/shows/veronica-mars.  And yes...my name is Cassidy!!!!

Q: Dear Miller, if I continue to dominate the NBA Playoffs by defeating the vaunted Miami Heat, will I finally shed the label of being just another "soft" European player? -- Dirk (Dallas, TX)

A: Guten Tag, Dirk.  Even if you don't beat the Heat, I think you will shed your "soft" label.  I think we should usher in an era in which we recognize how HARD Dirk is.  A lot of things about Dirk are incredibly hard...three things come to mind...

1) It's HARD to guard Dirk Nowitzki.  How do you stop a 7-footer who shoots off-balance jump shots like they are layups?  You CAN'T (....unless you're an 8-footer who blocks off-balance jump shots like they are layups, of course).

2) It's HARD to find a player with a more hilarious method of relaxing while shooting high-pressure free throws.  In the 2006 Playoffs, it was revealed that Dirk's secret to free throws was humming a David Hasselhoff song "Looking For Freedom."  I wonder if he was humming it last week when he broke the record for most consecutive made free throws without a miss in a playoff game.  I hope the 'Hoff gets an footnote in the record books.

3) It's HARD to get involved in a scandal in which your pregnant fiancee is arrested for actually stealing your money while posing as her 8th fake identity.  If you're a legalist calculating at home, that's a case of premarital sex, theft, and fraud all wrapped up into one.  Of course, when this story was reported two years ago...most people focused on how they found her to be really unattractive.  Way to really focus on the important stuff, people.

BTW, I'm picking the Mavs to beat the heat in 5 games.

Q: Where am I? -- Matt Hill (Washington, DC)

A: Wow, Matt.  For a campus minister, you had quite the week in the media spotlight.  Just a few days ago, I read about how the search for you was intensifying because no one had seen you since Tuesday morning.  There was said to be a 99% chance that foul play was involved and people were frantically in search of kidnappers. People opened up a facebook site to collect information of your last known whereabouts and your famous Red Sox pitcher friend Daniel Bard got the word out about your disappearance onto ESPN.com and the Boston Globe website.

I used to have a rule: whenever someone disappears without saying anything, they're pooping.  Well, thanks to Matt Hill, let me amend that: whenever someone disappears without saying anything, they're EITHER pooping OR hiking in the Appalachians while everyone else thinks they've been kidnapped.

Q: How do u escape the friendzone? -- longtime resident of the friendzone

A: This is a brutally difficult question to answer as it probably varies a lot from person to person on how to escape their friendzone.  I would simply recommend starting by asking yourself "why can't they see me as more than just a friend?"  Surely, it's not because you're such a good friend that they don't want to promote you further.  Perhaps, it's as simple as them being interested in someone else and thus not seeing your potential to be more than just a friend.  Or, it could be as puzzling as...they just can't see how you'd be good for them.

So, ask yourself "why can't they see me as more than friends?"  Then, if it's an issue of timing (ie them liking someone else at the moment, or not being ready for a relationship), don't sweat it and move on because you can't really do much to change it.  If it's a matter of you being the wrong person, then maybe you should figure out what's missing.  Maybe they just haven't seen the real you and you should try to seize and opportunity to show that.  OR maybe they do see the real you and you need to grow in some areas of your life first.

Remember, right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.

Q: What? You're not going to forge my name onto another question this week? -- Arnold (Sacramento, CA)

A: Nope.

Please submit questions for next week's MillBox in the comments section below!

5/23 Monday MillBox

After a 3 year hiatus....the Daily Millings are back again!!!  This time around, each day of the week will have a different gimmick that is inspired by alliteration (hence, Monday MillBox).  Every Monday, I'll be answering questions submitted by my loyal readers.  If you have a question you want to be answered by the next Monday, just leave it in the comments section below and check back on Monday for an answer!

Now let's get to this week's MillBox...

Q: Now that you have the benefit of hindsight, tell us who was better: backstreet boys or *nsync? -- Nick Lachey (98 degrees)

A: Well Nick, I don't need hindsight for this one.  My answer back then is the same as my answer right now.  The Backstreet Boys were totally better.  If this is merely a question of which group had the single most talented player, I might answer otherwise, BUT if you're talking group...it's gotta be BSB.  Each member got a solo in their biggest hit "I Want It That Way" and even the one that had the least solos seemed really musically competent by actually playing the piano in some of their later songs.  Can *nsync boast the same overall talent?  No Way!  Justin Timberlake just hosted SNL a few nights ago and joked that he couldn't even remember Chris Kirkpatrick's name!  BTW, I get the feeling that those *nsync guys weren't really friends in real life.  BSB, on the other hand, are still going strong as a group.  Meanwhile, Chris Kirkpatrick entered obscurity once he ignored the teachings of Samson, Lance Bass is best known for being a gay astronaut, JC Chasez appeared on a bad reality show, and Joey Fatone's last name still spells FAT ONE.  BSB 4 life!!!

In case you wanted to know, Nick...I can pretty confidently say that your 98 degrees weren't even close to those 2 groups.  That was not the "hardest thing I've ever had to do" and I do not wanna "give you just one night, una noche."  ....although for some reason I will say that "with you, I can let my hair down; I can say anything crazy, etc etc etc"

Q: Dear Miller, am I in trouble? -- Arnold (Sacramento, CA)

A: Oh Arnold.  I'd say so.  Not only did you get caught for cheating on your wife, BUT you did it with an old abuelita-looking maid, who probably only wanted to extort your money by bearing you more Austr-spring (Austrian + offspring)....Also....all your movie titles can easily been turned into headline puns!


Arnold's Marriage Terminated!


True Lies...exposed!


Kindergarten Cop-ping a feel??? (Okay that one needs work...)

Q: Any thoughts on the death of wrestling icon Macho Man Randy Savage? -- Slim Jim (Florida)

A: First off, he was definitely a top 5 wrestler in the '80s.  He might not be as well known as Hulk Hogan, BUT he was way better at the actual wrestling and almost on par with Hogan as far as charisma goes.  But, on the other hand, he was a really crazy dude, who did questionable things in his personal life that aren't worthy of praise....


My biggest beef with him, though, is...false advertising.  I have never once "snapped" into a Slim Jim.  I always expected the huge crunching sound that was advertised in the commercials...but it never happened.  Slim Jims were overrated, but give Savage credit for always making me believe that my next one might finally give me that satisfying snapping sound.  OHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH! Dig it!

Q: When I told young impressionable Christians about how "I kissed dating goodbye," did I ruin everything for them? Did I force them to kiss dating goodbye, too? -- J. Harris (Maryland)

A: You sure did, man.  You implied that dating was wrong and that courtship was the way to go.  I understand that people should be entering relationships with the intention to marry, BUT I think you made our generation scared to go out on dates with people they didn't see as wife-able or husband-able.  But, ask happily married couples around you....did they think so highly of their spouse when they first met them?  Seeing how someone acts in a group OR from far away OR from their social networking site is NOT an accurate portrayal of how they might really be like.  Just saying, perhaps you should go out on a few dates with someone before you decide whether you want to borrow half of their genetics for your spawn.

Q: Hey Miller, what do you think is the greatest invention of the last century? -- Joe (Providence, RI)

A: Hands down, I'd hafta say the electric mosquito racket.  No offense to the automobile, the airplane, or the computer, BUT this one's not even close.


Thanks for the questions.  Remember to submit questions for next week's MillBox in the comments section below!

Tuesday 6/3 NBA-less Millings?

Millting Points: Things I can write about that are not related to the NBA:

• Spelling
• Politics
• New Kids on the Block
• Fashion
  

Daily MillStar: A MillCredit goes to 13-year-old Sameer Mishra, who won the National Spelling Bee last week. The highlight of the competition was his spelling of the word "Numb Nut." Okay, it was Numnah...try using numnah in a sentence today.

Daily MillDud: A MillDud goes to Massachusetts Senior Senator (and American Royalty), Edward "Ted" Kennedy. You may have just had successful brain surgery....but because you escaped any real punishment for killing a woman 40 years ago, you are the first political MillDud.

MillBoard Charts Song of the Day: With the stunning return of the New Kids on the Block and their shameless attempt at having a "summertime" hit, the song of the day goes to "Stay the Same" by the youngest member of NKOTB, Joey McIntyre. I don't have perfect pitch or anything, but I think the choir is out of tune in the beginning of the music video when they're in the studio. Am I right?

MillBox:
Question: What's the deal with girls wearing pants/shorts with words on the butt?
Miller: Good question...I think it's a travesty to the moral fiber of America and I don't like it one bit. Let me break it down for you. First of all, you can't help but look and you might be labeled as a pervert for doing so. There's a double standard when it comes to noticing things on girls...when you don't notice a new haircut there's a penalty, but if you notice there are words on her butt, there's no reward. I mean...we were all taught at a very young age to read as much as possible...so if you had a giant word tattoo on your shoulder (a la Carly Smithson), I would try to read that, too...but not because I have a thing for shoulders. Second, I've noticed that some girls wear the word "JUICY" on their butts...how did that even become trendy? If they sold T-shirts that said "BOOBS" across the chest, would you wear those, too? Once again, I admit that I am no fashion expert...but c'mon...words on the booty?

Didier Dinh's NBA Dinh-sider: The Celtics strength will make the Lakers choke. Los Angeles will miss their 3pointers, Pau Gasol will have trouble, Odom will choke and that will force Mr. Bryant to take over and the Lakers will fall cold. Paul Pierce tends to shine against them too and he will force Kobe to guard him one on one, which will add on to Kobe Bryant's deterioration in performance through out the series. And though, every Derek Fisher team fights till the end, I'm calling Celtics in 5. That's right, I'm calling them out! As much as I would love to have them win in Boston I think this one will end rather quickly.

Millage People Shout-out: A big shout out to the Umamster, who hopefully will enjoy this edition of the Millings. With the exception of the NBA Dinh-sider, I tried to talk about things other than the NBA and even tried to include some of my expertise regarding fashion.

Friday 5/30 Weekend Millings

Daily MillStar: A MillCredit goes to one of my fave 5 NBA players of all time, Vlade Divac. With the news of the NBA penalizing floppers starting next season, the Yugoslavian will go down in NBA history as the greatest flopper of all time (in my opinion at least). He wasn't called "the Trout" for nothing.

Daily MillDud: A MillDud goes to Clayton Holmes Grissom better known to us as "The Invisible" Clay Aiken. In August, Aiken will father a child...but just when I thought he might finally prove to us he's not gay...it turns out he merely donated his sperm and didn't put it there himself.

MillBoard Charts Song of the Day: On my drive home home today, I waited out the traffic by listening to some Black People music. One of the most intellectually stimulating songs I heard was "She Got It" by 2 Pistols featuring T-Pain. Monday's MillStar Award is yours if you can correctly count the number of times "She Got It" is said including the echoes.

Milligan: When I was in 11th Grade, a girl called me up at home and asked if I would go to the Junior Prom with her. I remember my mom picked up the phone and told me it was a girl. For some reason, the thought of having to my parents I was going to prom scared me...so I told the girl I wasn't going to go...while using really vague language because my parents were listening to my end of the conversation. In retrospect, I think I would have gone if I liked the girl who asked me. But for the sake of "the cycle," I probably should have said "yes" and gone to the prom anyway. (See the MillBox for more on "the cycle").

MillBox:
Question: So if a guy that I don't like romantically asks me out, shouldn't I just say "no" so he doesn't get the wrong idea? ~Inexperienced Girl, Virginia
Miller: If he has no criminal record, you MUST say "yes!" There is no way around it. If you say "no," you will shatter his confidence and he may never be able to ask another girl out. By saying "no" to him, you are not only hurting this guy, you are also hurting girls that may be waiting for him to ask them out. By saying "no," you break the cycle. Do the right thing, ladies; accept the free dinner for the sake of your fellow woman.

Millage People Shout-out: Mad props to Tony Allen, who finally did something positive. By aggravating his old injury in practice, he has opened up a roster spot for the Boston Celtics to have a Token White Guy on their roster. Looking at the racial distribution of both Eastern Conference Finals Rosters, Brian Scalabrine proves that "There Can Only Be One."

Tuesday 5/27 Millings

Millting Points: Things I know about Singapore:

• Don't be naughty or you'll be caned.
• Selling gum is illegal unless it's nicotine gum. What kind of society awards smoking?!?
• Singaporean men must serve two years for an army with no enemy.
  
• According to Scott Yi, all Singaporeans look the same.
• Like all Asian countries, Singapore has yet to utilize the undershirt.
  

Daily MillStar: A MillCredit goes to Kara Dziobek, who was the first person to join the "I read the Daily Millings everyday on dailymillings.blogspot.com" Facebook group.

Daily MillDud: A MillDud goes to Trinity Brewhouse, which was closed last night because of Memorial Day. They would have been lucky to get our business, because East Ave Irish Pub in Pawtucket is the rich man's Trinity Brewhouse. Not only does East Ave also have 20 cent wing Mondays, it has the wings in 4 different varieties.

MillBoard Charts Song of the Day: The song of the day goes to "Emphasis" by various bands from Mars Hill Church. In our time at Citylife Church, Joses and I were dazzled by this song. It is interesting to note that the word "emphasis" fails to appear in this song at all. Perhaps, this song will take off and become this generation's "Shout to the Lord."

Milligan: When I was in 8th grade, I started to care about what I was wearing. At the time, it was trendy for boys to wear an unbuttoned short-sleeved plaid shirt over a white undershirt and khaki shorts. I remember waking up about a half hour earlier to iron my clothes before school. Considering the fact that I didn't even begin to like girls until the 10th grade, I gladly trade in the ironing skills I acquired for about 365 extra hours of sleep.

MillBox:
Question: If I wanted to ask you or Joses or Jimmy a question for the Daily Millings, what should I do?
Miller: Well, you should post your question as a comment on this blog or you can email your question to dailymillings@gmail.com if you wish to remain anonymous (even though you can comment anonymously on this blog).

Joses Ho's HoBag:
Question: What's your advice to any CHC (our campus fellowship, College Hill for Christ) men looking to date?
Joses: Start early.

Didier Dinh's NBA Dinh-sider: To Coach Doc Rivers...Where is Eddie House when we need him? He saved your team the previous round and you're going to bury him on the bench again? Is it because you're afraid that he cannot bring up the ball? Ray Allen and Paul Pierce do that job most of the times when he's on the floor anyway! As we were shooting 30% the entire night isn't it logical to give your second best shooter a try?? You have given the Celtics a very inconsistent rotation this entire post-season, which prevents the guys off the bench to get any kind of rhythm. Do the right thing and find some minutes for Eddie.

Millage People Shout-out: Mad props to the mystery person who is reading this blog from Singapore. Since Joses and his entire family is still in the states, I have no clue who you are. Please identify yourself!

Monday 5/26 Memorial Day Millings

Millting Points: Since it's Memorial Day, here is a list of the coolest things with the word "Memorial" in their names.

1. Peabody Veterans Memorial High School - the high school that produced me.
2. Leonard P. Zakem Bunker Hill Memorial Bridge - the awesome looking bridge in Boston right next to the TD Banknorth Boston Garden.
3. Uhhh...that's all.
   

Daily MillStar: In honor of Memorial Day, today's MillCredit goes to my two favorite military men of all time, "The Chicken Army" ...of General Tso and Colonel Sanders. Did you know that General Tso was a real general? Even so, did you know that Colonel Sanders is probably the most popular military man (and white guy) in China?

Daily MillDud: This MillDud goes to Fung Wah Bus Co. for being stupid. Quiz Question: How does a 4 hour bus ride turn into a 7 hour bus ride? If you answered, "A flat tire and waiting 2 hours on the side of the highway," then ding ding ding you are absolutely correct!

MillBoard Charts Song of the Day: With Jimmy leaving today, the song of the day can only be Flo Rida's "(Shawty Got) Low." Instead of linking you to the Flo Rida music video, I have decided to link you to how we found the song in the first place. We were watching on of Jimmy's favorite shows (the Ellen Degeneres show) and we realized the song was so catchy that we had to start dancing, too.

Milligan: When I was in 6th grade, I participated in backyard wrestling. We would take all the things we learned from watching the WWF on television and use them to fight each other...for real. We did not script the outcomes of the matches. Typically, the matches would end by submission, when someone applied some kind of chokehold that restricted the airways. Looking back on it, I'm surprised we didn't get hurt at all. If I could do it again, I would suggest that we script it all.

MillBox:
Question: If you were on a date with Lisa Loeb, what would you do? ~Lucas Ho, Singapore
Miller: I would take her to a karaoke bar and sing a song to her. I would serenade her with a very poorly sung version of her hit song "Stay (I Missed You)" hoping that butchering her only claim to fame would win me her heart.

Joses Ho's HoBag:
Question: Joses, if you could say something to a very special girl out there what would it be?
Joses (to a very special girl out there): I wish I could have seen you before you had flown off, but I'm happy we got to hang out your last night here.

Jimmy Tull's TuleBag:
Question: Seriously, do you really watch the Ellen DeGeneres Show? ~Ellen DeGeneres, Burbank, California
Jimmy: No I do not "seriously" watch it. I mean we've probably only seen it a couple of times in the last couple of months. So, so I do not seriously watch it. ...Notice that the question didn't ask if I enjoy it.

Millage People Shout-out: I want to give a shout out to Anna Hsu, who is the very first person to shamelessly ask for a Millage People Shout-out.

Friday 5/23 Commencement Millings

Millting Points: Brown University Class of 2008 Thoughts:

• Four years already? That was fast...I can't even remember Joses's junior year.
• 135 Lloyd: How long before the MillBoard Charts Song of the Day is Flo Rida?
  
• Who's the baccalaureate speaker? Was Claire Huxtable booked this weekend?
• Famous parents tracking: Chris Berman and Dustin Hoffman return!
  
• The two-time Couple of the Year, Herman Hsu and Ling Phoun, are moving on. Which pair will take the title next year?
  

Daily MillStar: A MillCredit goes to my landlord Phil McMaster, who drove Nick to the airport yesterday. Besides that, Phil always tells it like it is and even wishes you luck when you go to parties (...whatever that means).

Daily MillDud: This Commencement MillDud goes to Brown Women (meaning females at Brown and not the hot latinas out there that didn't go to Brown). How in the world are you gonna let Jimmy and Joses go home single?

MillBoard Charts Song of the Day: In honor of the Class of 2008, the song of the day is "Leave the Memories Alone" by Fuel. Even though the repetition of the words "You'll Never Change" is contrary to the spirit of graduating, the song is just too catchy to not be the anthem of this year's graduating classes. This song also served as the retirement anthem for famed professional wrestler Ric Flair.

Milligan: When I was in Kindergarten, I cheated on a test for the very first time. And can you believe that I actually got caught?!? It turns out that I cheated off of some one who would eventually stay back in Kindergarten...bad move. (Disclaimer for the kids out there: Not only is cheating morally wrong...it's also not a fool-proof system...especially if you cheat off fools.)

MillBox:
Question: I know I let you down in Game 1, so I scored 25 points last night. Do you forgive me? ~Walter Ray Allen, Waltham, MA
Miller: Well, RayRay...you didn't win, but I forgive you. I was finally warming up to the idea of never winning on the road to prove everyone wrong, but I'm gonna agree with some of the NBA analysts who say "Maybe losing one at home will finally motivate them to win on the road."

Joses Lucas Ho's HoBag:
Question: Lucas, it must be tough being Joses's identical twin. What do you think of his topless photos on facebook? Do you ever get upset that he's not only flaunting his own body but also an exact replica of your body?
Lucas: What makes you think that my body is as flabby as his?

Jimmy Tull's TuleBag:
Question: What's the stupidest thing you've done in college?
Jimmy: I mean...realistically...it's probably the patented Jimmy Tull "Oh you thought we were dating for the past couple of weeks...not anymore...cuz I'm just gonna ignore you." It's been done three times. Remember 2004?

Millage People Shout-out: I want to give a quick shout out to my Grandpa, who as of Monday morning, is in heaven. Though he had many hopes for me, my only hope for him was that he would indeed go to heaven one day. Of his 89 years on Earth, it took him about 82 before he smartened up and reconciled with God. Since eternal life, by definition, is "knowing the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom He sent," my Grandpa is already moving on to his 8th year of eternal life...but now the suffering is gone.