5/24 Tuesday Time Machine (Milligan)

Milligan (something I would do over): 
When I was a kid, it was not uncommon for me to wake up every morning with a bloody nose.  Perhaps, it was too dry in my bedroom.  Perhaps, this is just something a lot of Chinese kids deal with.  Either way, it didn't bother me much.  I got used to it.  I began becoming incredibly proficient in making origami tissue rockets to stick into my nostrils.  It was also incredibly satisfying to guess the correct moment when I could pick my nose for bloody boogers, without inciting another stream of bleeding.


BUT there was one time, when I wished I wasn't so prone to bloody noses...


When I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I had my first crush.  After school, I would go to my babysitter's house to play until my parents picked me up after work.  And by chance, the first girl I ever liked lived directly behind my babysitter's house.  So for all those days we were only separated by a fence.

One day, I peek through the fence and see her.  And I call her over to have a conversation.  After talking about whatever 10 year olds talked about...she invites me to come over her house to play.  After getting permission from my babysitter to cross over to the other side of the fence...we go into her house to do that thing where you put beads onto a pegboard and then use an iron to melt them into some horrendous looking piece of art.  (What were those things called?)

Anyway, before any iron could be used...my nose starts gushing with blood...

I got embarrassed and decided it was best for me to go back to my babysitter's house instead of letting her see me stuff tissues in my nose....Maybe my story was the inspiration for that Leona Lewis song "Bleeding Love"...

Long story short, I was friendzoned (which wasn't even a known commodity in 1995), BUT the good news is that I stopped getting these random nosebleeds sometime during high school!  ...and now I have a girlfriend.  Coincidence? I think not!


Moral of the story: Don't play ironing beads with a girl you like if you get chronic nosebleeds.  Instead you should probably get a friend of yours to hit on her, then you can "protect" her from him by letting him punch you in the face...and then your nosebleed suddenly becomes a nosebleed of chivalry!

5/23 Monday MillBox

After a 3 year hiatus....the Daily Millings are back again!!!  This time around, each day of the week will have a different gimmick that is inspired by alliteration (hence, Monday MillBox).  Every Monday, I'll be answering questions submitted by my loyal readers.  If you have a question you want to be answered by the next Monday, just leave it in the comments section below and check back on Monday for an answer!

Now let's get to this week's MillBox...

Q: Now that you have the benefit of hindsight, tell us who was better: backstreet boys or *nsync? -- Nick Lachey (98 degrees)

A: Well Nick, I don't need hindsight for this one.  My answer back then is the same as my answer right now.  The Backstreet Boys were totally better.  If this is merely a question of which group had the single most talented player, I might answer otherwise, BUT if you're talking group...it's gotta be BSB.  Each member got a solo in their biggest hit "I Want It That Way" and even the one that had the least solos seemed really musically competent by actually playing the piano in some of their later songs.  Can *nsync boast the same overall talent?  No Way!  Justin Timberlake just hosted SNL a few nights ago and joked that he couldn't even remember Chris Kirkpatrick's name!  BTW, I get the feeling that those *nsync guys weren't really friends in real life.  BSB, on the other hand, are still going strong as a group.  Meanwhile, Chris Kirkpatrick entered obscurity once he ignored the teachings of Samson, Lance Bass is best known for being a gay astronaut, JC Chasez appeared on a bad reality show, and Joey Fatone's last name still spells FAT ONE.  BSB 4 life!!!

In case you wanted to know, Nick...I can pretty confidently say that your 98 degrees weren't even close to those 2 groups.  That was not the "hardest thing I've ever had to do" and I do not wanna "give you just one night, una noche."  ....although for some reason I will say that "with you, I can let my hair down; I can say anything crazy, etc etc etc"

Q: Dear Miller, am I in trouble? -- Arnold (Sacramento, CA)

A: Oh Arnold.  I'd say so.  Not only did you get caught for cheating on your wife, BUT you did it with an old abuelita-looking maid, who probably only wanted to extort your money by bearing you more Austr-spring (Austrian + offspring)....Also....all your movie titles can easily been turned into headline puns!


Arnold's Marriage Terminated!


True Lies...exposed!


Kindergarten Cop-ping a feel??? (Okay that one needs work...)

Q: Any thoughts on the death of wrestling icon Macho Man Randy Savage? -- Slim Jim (Florida)

A: First off, he was definitely a top 5 wrestler in the '80s.  He might not be as well known as Hulk Hogan, BUT he was way better at the actual wrestling and almost on par with Hogan as far as charisma goes.  But, on the other hand, he was a really crazy dude, who did questionable things in his personal life that aren't worthy of praise....


My biggest beef with him, though, is...false advertising.  I have never once "snapped" into a Slim Jim.  I always expected the huge crunching sound that was advertised in the commercials...but it never happened.  Slim Jims were overrated, but give Savage credit for always making me believe that my next one might finally give me that satisfying snapping sound.  OHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH! Dig it!

Q: When I told young impressionable Christians about how "I kissed dating goodbye," did I ruin everything for them? Did I force them to kiss dating goodbye, too? -- J. Harris (Maryland)

A: You sure did, man.  You implied that dating was wrong and that courtship was the way to go.  I understand that people should be entering relationships with the intention to marry, BUT I think you made our generation scared to go out on dates with people they didn't see as wife-able or husband-able.  But, ask happily married couples around you....did they think so highly of their spouse when they first met them?  Seeing how someone acts in a group OR from far away OR from their social networking site is NOT an accurate portrayal of how they might really be like.  Just saying, perhaps you should go out on a few dates with someone before you decide whether you want to borrow half of their genetics for your spawn.

Q: Hey Miller, what do you think is the greatest invention of the last century? -- Joe (Providence, RI)

A: Hands down, I'd hafta say the electric mosquito racket.  No offense to the automobile, the airplane, or the computer, BUT this one's not even close.


Thanks for the questions.  Remember to submit questions for next week's MillBox in the comments section below!

Sunday 6/15 Live Millings (NBA Finals Game 5)

Millting Points: Live Thoughts from Game 5:

8:54 - The National Anthem by Ashanti was terrible. This usually means that the Lakers will win... (In Game 3, David Cook, who was previously praised by the Millings a few weeks ago, butchered the Anthem allowing the Lakers to throw the Celtics off their game.)

8:56 - oooo...Leon Powe is getting the start at center. I think this will pay off for the C's.

8:57 - The Lakers should put more time into hyping up their starting lineups...no pyro? On the flipside...the giant bed sheets that they project on...may explain what Kobe was talking about when he said the Lakers wet the bet big time in Game 4.

9:03 - Doc said "Let's show em what Ooombooontooo is all about"....Is that even the correct pronounciation? It's spelled Ubuntu...where did the mmmm come from? For those who don't know, Ubuntu is a philosophy that Doc stole from Archbishop Desmond Tutu. For some reason....black players respond better to South African Philosophies (Celtics) than White Man Zen (Lakers).

9:08 - Did you notice that the Lakers went to their White Jerseys tonight? It might change their fortune...but I have a hard time seeing Pau Gasol and Vladamir Radmanovic in camouflage.

9:10 - Powe turns it over...Leon needs to have a big game tonight...not for the Celtics to win...but so the Celtics can trade him for something good in the offseason.

9:12 - Adding on to the previous racial commentary, have you noticed that the two best defensive teams in the NBA have only black guys on their 12 man rosters.

9:13 - Rondo is rebounding like this is NBA Jam.

9:24 - For those of you at home wondering what an arm sock actually does, be sure to check out the Wikipedia article on the "Shooting Arm Sleeve"...it keeps the shooting arm warm? What good is that?

9:27 - Upon ABC's use of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" for the pre-commercial replay, let us all wonder how R. Kelly was found innocent last week of all charges against him. As Joses likes to point out...what is more incriminating than the fact that R. Kelly and Michael Jackson wrote the hit song "You Are Not Alone" together? It was clearly a show of solidarity among two dirty dirty men.

9:31 - KG picks up his 2nd foul and forces ABC to censor his vulgarities on 3 separate occasions in 15 seconds. Parents, KG is a good ballplayer...but he is no ideal role model.

9:33 - Do you think the NBA should start marketing Sasha Vujacic's Girl Headband? Would you buy one? Maybe girls would... Maybe girls named Sasha?

9:35 - Lakers shot 65% in the first quarter. That's the percentage necessary to pass medical school. Speaking of education...during the announcement of the starting lineups earlier this year, my good friend Officer John Remka asked me "Hey Millah...don't you think that Kevin Garnett could just get a degree online from the University of Phoenix?" He makes a good point...KG, Perk, and Kobe need to get some kind of online degree...

9:40 - Chris Mihm sighting... Lakers could put an all-white lineup out there right now with Vujacic, Walton, Radmanovic, Gasol, and Mihm. Can any other NBA team even put 4 white guys out there at once?

9:46 - Tony Allen gets a steal! ...and a dunk!

9:47 - Speaking of Tony Allen, I think the last names of NBA players are fake! Ever go into a souvenir shop and look for a keychain with your name on it? Well, the NBA may be outsmarting us all in an effort to sell more jerseys. All of a sudden, more NBA players than ever have last names that are first names. For example: Ray Allen, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Dwayne Wade....and one day you just might name your kid Boozer! David Stern is a genius!

9:51 - After Turiaf commits the charge...none of his Laker teammates go to pick him up off the floor. They ain't know what Ooooombooooonnntooooo is!

10:03 - Sam Cassell is terrible. He's just a backup. Why does he hafta shoot the ball all the time. He should take some lessons from his half-brother Matt Cassel (Tom Brady's backup). Just hand the ball off.

10:09 - Tony Allen scores again...Millings Reader Mike Auyeung believes that Tony Allen will be tonight's "gamechanger."

10:11 - Did Derek Fisher just get a technical foul for picking his nose with his thumb?

10:17 - Looking forward to seeing Bill Walton at halftime. The live updates will be back for the 2nd half.

10:34 - Has anyone noticed if Scal has been activated for this game or not? If this NBA Season ends with the ball in Scal's hands, Matt Chin wins the "Who touches the ball last?" Contest. (For the record, I have Glen "Big Baby" Davis holding onto the ball in a blowout win in Game 6. Who do you have?)

10:40 - If Ray Allen is the Celtics' leading scorer in the Finals, why isn't he getting more recognition as a potential Finals MVP. It may not mean much to you, but I picked Ray Allen long ago in my Finals Preview.

10:42 - It's a well know fact that White Guys can't outrun or outjump Black Guys. But I've also noticed that White athletes have more hair than Black athletes. Could the difference in athleticism simply be attributed to haircut and not skin tone?

10:51 - What's with the video segments in which the NBA Trophy is cradled like a baby? There are only a few inanimate objects worthy to be held like a baby...and the trophy does not make my list...(see image below).
10:58 - Lakers are up 5 with 4 minutes to go in the 3rd quarter, but for the a 2nd straight time I think the Celtics just might win this 1. (Now, you try writing a sentence using 5-4-3-2-1 in that order. Prove to me that you aren't Mill-iterate!)

11:07 - For more word play, L-A-M-A-R--O-D-O-M can be rearranged to spell DOOM ALARM. With a name like DOOM ALARM, did the Lakers even have a chance?

11:10 - In case you were wondering what P-A-U-L--P-I-E-R-C-E can spell....it's "PURE ICE, PAL."

11:24 - How did Luke Walton not grow up to be a 7-footer like his Dad? If only America believed in breeding NBA players like they do in China...

11:27 - Sam Cassell is actually knocking down some shots! Somewhere in Outer Space...they are chanting "MVP, MVP, MVP!"

11:31 - Celts are down 7 with 6:14 left in the game. My requirements for a successful comeback are...you gotta be within 6 points with 4 minutes left.

11:38 - Well, the C's have tied the game with 4:25 left in the game so they can definitely steal this game.

11:41 - Pierce and KG each have 5 fouls with 3:31 left in the game...I'm gonna predict that this game goes into overtime...and look for a Ray Allen game winner.

11:44 - Commentator Mike Breen just used the phrase "house of fire." I wonder if he would say "House on fire" if Eddie House hits a couple of 3s.

11:47 - FYI, Jeff Van Gundy has a man-crush on James Posey.

11:50 - KG just missed a pair of free throws that would have tied the game...I guess Red Auerbach doesn't actually tip free throws in like it was reported in Game 7 of the Cleveland Series. By the way...after Game 4 when Paul Pierce pointed to the sky, was he referencing God or Red Auerbach?

11:54 - There's 1:14 left and Tony Allen checks in...what is Doc thinking? I don't know who I'd rather see right now....Tony Allen or the Bald Black Guy from the annoying GMC commercials...

11:55 - Lakers up 4 with 37 seconds left. Celtics might mail it in...

11:57 - RayRay misses and gives the Lakers possession with 26 ticks left. But Fisher is choking at the free throw line, so this game isn't over yet.

12:00 - Lakers up 5 with 24.8 seconds left. If I'm the coach...I want James Posey shooting this 3.

12:02 - Well, Ray Allen just fouled out with 16.7 seconds left. Forget about the Ray Allen game winner. Looks like Kobe's defensive move in which he caresses the left hip of Paul Pierce from behind will be the difference.

12:05 - House hits a 3 and almost steals the inbounds pass! Shades of Reggie Miller....but the fact that it didn't work out that way....just show you how special Reggie was.

12:06 - It's over. Final Score: Lakers-103, Celtics-98, Scal-0. Whoever sings the National Anthem on Tuesday better do a good job...

Tuesday 6/10 Millings

Millting Points: Random Thoughts:

• It's so hot here in Providence that I'm Millting.
• There's nothing else to do besides hang out in Air Conditioned buildings.
• That's all for the Millings today.
  

Monday 6/9 Makeup Millings

Daily MillStar: A MillCredit goes to my favorite diner of all time, Family Fare in Peabody, MA. After an interesting dinner on Friday night (See MillDud), it was great to go to some place familiar and trustworthy. If your live near the North Shore area and are looking for a restaurant to host father-son breakfasts, look no further than Family Fare and be sure to order your kid a Hungry Man Special (3 eggs, 2 bacon, 2 sausages, 2 pieces of toast, 2 plate sized pancakes, a side of potatoes, and bottomless coffee) for roughly $6.

Since much has happened since Saturday, let me award an additional MillStar Award to Celtics Super-Sub Leon Powe. A year ago, I joked that Leon was the most efficient player in the NBA because he would get 6 points and 4 rebounds in about 4 minutes of playing time per game, but breaking out for 21 points in 15 minutes of the NBA Finals is unheard of. For all those conspiracy theorists who think the NBA is rigged, do you think the halftime feel-good story about Powe had anything to do with the fact that he was also the player of the game?

Daily MillDud: A MillDud goes to LJ's BBQ in Pawtucket. Trying to uncover more of the hidden gems of Rhode Island Cuisine, I took a friend to LJ's in search of such gem-ness. We ended up being intrigued by the largest meal on the menu. When I asked the waitress if the meal would be plenty for two people, she claimed it would be enough. Following a lackluster BBQ meal, we were surprised to see an extra $2 charge tacked onto our bill for sharing a meal. Upon seeing this, my friend and I looked at each other and simply said "What a MillDud!"

A second MillDud goes to Lisa Gomi aka Umami. One week ago, Umami complained (rightly so) that the Millings were getting way too NBA-heavy and might alienate readers such as herself; however, in recent days Umami has begun to partake in basketball trash talk and has claimed to be Anti-Celtic. For doing her best John-Kerry-eating-pancakes-in-his-slippers impression (flip-flopping), Umami gets today's 2nd MillDud.

MillBoard Charts Song of the Day: In honor of the current heat wave we are experiencing, it is time to select a song by your favorite heat-related boy band... 98 degrees! Which song shall I choose? How bout..."My Everything" featuring Jessica Simpson as Nick Lachey's love interest.

Milligan: When I was a sophomore at Brown, a bunch of us decided to stay over night at the Sciences Library (even though back then it closed at 2AM). Jimmy and I went there earlier in the evening to scout out the territory. We pulled down all the shades on one floor and set up chairs to mark off spots on the floor that turned on any motion sensor lights. While we successfully avoided getting booted out of the SciLi at 2AM, it didn't all turn out for the best. In the early hours of sunlight, we decided to go climb to the roof (which at the time was the highest point in Providence). On the way down, though, one of our comrades feel about 10 feet onto her shoulder. As she grasped her shoulder in pain, we didn't know what to do. Since it was still a few hours before the library opened again, we could either have her tough it out another few hours or get her to medical attention as soon as possible. We decided on the second option...but then we had to figure out how to escape the library. We could either try to turn ourselves in to the campus police or try to break out and run away. Afraid of punishment, we decided to go out the exits and all run in different directions so the cops couldn't get all of us. Even though this idea had "genius" written all over it (sarcasm)...all the doors were locked. We called the cops and awaited our punishment. When the cop came, he lectured us on how we have to play by the rules and how breaking the rules in "the real world" could get us in serious trouble...but for some reason he thought that we were breaking the rule to get a few extra hours of studying done...so he just let us off with a simple warning to play by the rules even if we have a killer exam to study for (which we didn't). I spent the rest of the morning in the hospital with our fallen comrade and made a vow to never climb anything again.

Millage People Shout Out: A Shout Out to Carrie Lutjens, who noticed that there weren't any Millings on Friday. Keep up the effort, Carrie.