6/14 Tuesday Milligans

Okay, I have heard the people...yesterday's MillBox wasn't very good....so lemme make it up to you loyal readers out there by telling you my most embarrassing story ever!

DISCLAIMER: DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH!!!  I REPEAT DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU ARE EASILY GROSSED OUT!!!  I'll give you 10 seconds to decide whether you should continue reading or not...

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I remember it being an extremely windy spring afternoon in the Greater Boston area during my senior year of high school.  I had just won a tennis match with my doubles partner at some random public park because the school we were competing against did not have their own tennis courts.  I remember  that we won pretty quickly...which was awesome....not because we were dominant....but because I really had to poop.

Once the match was over, I asked the opposing coach where the nearest bathrooms were...and he was like..."Just go in a bush...otherwise there's a gas station several blocks away."

Not exactly the answer I wanted to hear...

So, I look around and I see that he's probably right because it looks like it's definitely a residential neighborhood surrounding the park.  At this point, I had probably held it in for a while during my match...so I didn't want to take a chance looking for this unknown gas station.

Naturally, I took his first suggestion...going in a bush!

BUT...when I went to the area of the park with trees...I quickly realized that there were little kids playing hide and seek there....and it would probably not be a good idea to defecate where a kid might be hiding on the other side of the tree!

So, I decided to think outside the bun...I hopped onto our bus that was parked on the road.  Since, my doubles partner and I were the first two members of the team to finish our match, he was the only person on the bus.  Like all cool kids, he was sitting in the back row of the bus.

I asked the bus driver, who was standing outside the bus, if he had any tissues or napkins.  (Is it strange that I didn't look for any potential toilet paper when thinking about pooping behind a tree?)  He said he had a roll of paper towels on the bus.  "Excellent," I thought, "now I just need a receptacle."

Unfortunately, there was no bucket on the bus....

Instead, I was only able to find a plastic bag....

Procedure:
If you're interested in how I did it...I kneeled in the front row of the bus while facing the back (yes, my teammate was still sitting in the back row)....I leaned back slightly to center myself over the bag I held open with my hands!!!  Imagine the rest...

Problems:
Imagine dropping anything into a plastic bag, you are holding open with as big of a circumference as possible.... Let's say you're drop apples into the bag...once the first apple hits the bottom of the bag, the bag immediately takes on a cylindrical shape....and let me tell you.... the sudden decrease in bag circumference makes it incredibly difficult to drop the remaining apples into the bag...

...logistical nightmare!  I made my teammate swear to not tell anyone...and somehow he didn't!  If I was a freshman instead of a senior...I might not have survived the insults or hazing that would have followed!  But def better than pooping my pants!